Visit Trina’s Site

Pick up Trina’s Book: 12 Steps to Overcome People Pleasing

Trina’s Linked IN

Trina’s Facebook

Trina’s Instagram

Trina’s YouTube

Host Your Podcast for Free with Buzz Sprout 

Our Show Sponsor Sutter and Nugent Real Estate – Real Estate Excellence 

Music Courtesy of: fight by urmymuse (c) copyright 2018 Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution (3.0) license. http://dig.ccmixter.org/files/urmymuse/58696 Ft: Stefan Kartenberg, Kara Square

Artwork courtesy of Dylan Allen

If you have great content regarding ‘LEVELING UP’ and would like to be interviewed on the Time To Shine Today Podcast Go Here: www.TimeToShineToday.com/guest

Speech Transcript (very little editing so not exact)

Time to shine. Today podcast varsity squad. This is Scott Ferguson and my awesome sauce friend, Trina Stutzman. She decided to reschedule it quickly with me. I was supposed to interview her last week, but something happened with my gut bio something or another, and it kind of set me back. But I’m so blessed to have Trina on. There’s going to be a book giveaway at the end, so you have to listen to the end to get that in. Her book absolutely rocks. And Trina, she had a wake up call when a friend said to her, people, pleasers are liars. Trina was 50 years old at the time, and to that point, she felt like her life was a lie. 20 years earlier, Trina was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and knew there was diz, D-I-S-E-A-E-A-S-E in her body and was unwilling to express her truth and wasn’t free to act and be. When she realized her life was a lie, trina decided to grow and Trina used her voice to be the CEO of her life. She decided to leave a 30 year marriage with. Take some serious cajones. She started on her recovery from people pleasing and worked through the steps which are in her book, which we’re going to cover briefly over. And she shared her steps in her journey in that book as well. And I’m so blessed to have somebody that comes from a thriving, growing mindset to come on Time to Shine today. And Trina, thanks for coming on. Please introduce yourself to time to Shine today podcast Varsity Squad. But first, what’s your favorite color and why hot pink? I wore it. I love it wearing my favorite color because I knew I wanted to shine today. And when we look good, we feel good. So here we go. If I would have known that, I would have rocked my pink, too, because we’re pink. You look great. Let’s get what you’re comfortable sharing. I’d love to get back to kind of like kind of roots growing up and then into this marriage, leaving it and then how you’re using the lessons learned along the way to help others level up. Sure. Well, I think many of us have grown up. In tight religious communities where we’re told to kind of fit the mold and go along to get along. And that’s kind of been my story. I grew up in this community, a Mennonite community that was considered if we were all the same, then we would all be one. That was kind of the concept, sameness as oneness. And so I grew up that compliant, good girl and didn’t make waves. Wanted to, um, be a little bit bold, but there was not a lot of room for that. And so I used that desire for approval that I was really into as a young girl, into a pretty significant athletic career that I took off on. But I guess I kind of see that as a positive that I was kind of thirsting for that approval in a lot of areas of my life. And I went on the typical path. Got married after college and started a family. And as you said, I experienced that midlife crisis first with a cancer diagnosis when I was. Pregnant with my third child. That was a serious wake up call. I was active and athletic and to hear that C word cancer was really the wake up call. And I realized that that was when I needed to change. And I had thyroid cancer, which obviously is in the throat. So I kind of connected that disease with using my voice and really decided that it was time. It was time to start being more myself. And I think we all suffer when we’re not ourselves. And that is really the gist of my coaching business, is really to help people show up, stop conforming, and to really let their light shine as we’re talking about today. Time to shine. So it’s always clumsy when we change, right? It’s always awkward and clumsy to learn a new dance. But that’s what people pleasing is all about. We have to get comfortable with being clumsy, awkward and uncomfortable. And leaving that 30 year old, 30 year marriage was very challenging. But I gave. My best shot. It’s not what I expected but when you start on the path to people pleasing you really become a truth teller. And I began to really tell the truth to myself and that was that this wasn’t working for me. And those are hard decisions to make as a people pleaser because we’re not used to valuing our feelings and what we need. So that is my story and I love to write and it was through COVID that I had an opportunity to really put my thoughts down on paper and get the book published. And I’m so thrilled that it’s helping lots of people be more honest. As you said, people pleasers are liars. And that was my wake up call. I know that can sound traumatizing to some people who have experienced trauma and have had to people please because they lived in chaotic homes and I don’t to dismiss that. But for me that was my wake up call when I realized that I really wasn’t living an honest life, I guess. Interviews done. I’m just kidding. We got a lot to unpack here because I’m a big believer, even with my coaching clients. That when you start with them, and I’m sure you see this, that it’s messy at first or hard at first, messy in the middle, and then it’s beautiful at the end, right when we get them in there. And that’s exactly kind of what you went through, which is beautiful. When you kind of stepped out on your own, you stopped the people pleasing, became authentic yourself because of your midnight past. What was the family’s views and feelings towards you, if you don’t mind sharing. I heard that giggle. No one wants us to change. I always give the analogy of I had four kids and the mobile over the baby’s crib. If you ding one of those little animals or whatever, the whole thing moves. And so when I start to change, of course, that just makes everybody mixes things up and nobody likes change. And. Of course, there’s been some feedback even about my book and that’s, I guess, the hardest part of this journey for me, I thought I was over people pleasing. Then I come out a book and I’m like, wait, no, I still have to work at some of this stuff because it’s human to one approval. I have to just manage that with my truth and recognize that I maybe am different than my family and one is bad or good or right or wrong. It just is. Let me ask you something with that analogy I use is crabs in a bucket. I’m sure you’ve heard this one where you’re climbing out and they really pull you back to safety. Right. Do you think that that came from love or more of, oh, my gosh, we might lose Trina? Yeah, I mean, I had a family member, her initially say a fear that I was going to go too far over there. Okay, don’t go too far over there. So, yeah, that idea of. We’re afraid that you’re going to go too far. Too far. Not sure what that meant, but we’re afraid we’re going to lose you. We’re afraid that you’re going to go too far from the fold, so to speak. Don’t be too much of a wild horse. Exactly. What’s your sticky note? Because a lot of times we’re making that change. We’re kind of going through things. There’s so much pain that we’re moving away from. But there was still comfort there as well. But some of the people put a sticky note on stuff to remember things. What’s your reminder to yourself? To stay true, stay authentic. I’m a quote junkie. Love it. Me too. I’m a quote junkie. Now I can’t even think of one. My good this you’re catching me off guard here. The one thing that I just one of the things that I started with was disappoint one person a day. Thank you. Oh my gosh. That is amazing. That is baller. And if I don’t disappoint them, then I’m disappointing myself. Yes. Oh my God. Trina, that’s badass. Excuse my language. That is amazing. Do you know my subtitle to my book before this twelve steps was people pleasing to badassery? So you call that a badass question? That that’s freaking awesome, man. Because you know what? I was kind of the same way in a sense. Because people that know my story, they’re like I wanted to fit in so bad for myself that I would do stuff and my mentors would pull me aside. He’s like, man, you need to make New Year’s resolutions that last forever. So I do two every year since 2009, right? I say one, make someone smile every single day. Boom. Right? I win. So you got a little grin there. Nice. Two, unless I’ve hurt you, disrespected you, or stole from you, I give zero. You know what’s? What you think about me once I learn to live by that, then because forgiveness. Is just giving up the hope of a better past. Right. So it’s gone. Like, I can forgive people and love them from afar. Right. I just have that energy in my life. Exactly. So I have to ask you this because there’s a lot of this that goes into your story and spot we might go a little longer because this is freaking awesome. What would be your definition of responsibility? Because you had to take a lot of it during this time. What do you think responsibility is? I ask coaches this, that I respect. What do you feel if you had to speak it out, your definition of responsibility? You may have heard this, but I like it where they break down the word into respond ability. Your ability to respond. Boom. I’m stage. I have you are a sister from another mister. Because on stage I speak that that’s one of my speaking points. Response. Oh, really? The ability to respond? Yes. Heard it from Rod Harrison back in nine. I don’t even know who I heard it from, but like I said, I’m a book junkie and I pick those things up. That’s beautiful how we respond to life and not react. The biggest thing to people pleasing is like, I have to take responsibility for my life and we can’t be living somebody else’s life. We’re best friends. That’s all there is. Now, let me ask, so work a lot, which we talked off. Mike, you work a lot with one on one. That’s fantastic. Just like I do. I have another coach squad that I can pick her brain here. This is fantastic. When you’re maybe in that discovery period, seeing if you’re the right horse for the course, I like to call the right coach for them. You’re kind of talking. Is there any secret sauce that you might use, if you don’t mind sharing, to maybe help them kind of identify their main blind spot? I listen for what they find frustrating. I’m going to cut you off right here. Because you just did it. You went silent. You went thinking that’s the best thing a coach could do is just listen. But anyways, go ahead. This is awesome. This is so fun. Yeah. No, I think just listening for what they find distressing about others. I know I’m doing a hard look at myself at this stage in my life and people in my life that I struggle with, getting along with, and also seeing if there’s any connection in myself that may be a reflection of that as well. I can’t say specifically that I have a process in helping them do that, other than just a lot of asking questions and looking at what their triggers are and listening with your neck, I can just see you doing that. Not just the words, but listening, really leaning in and hearing that. So how hard is it for someone like you in your past and this is not derogatory at all, but how hard is it for someone like you to not get emotionally and. Evolved not with the person, but with the person’s story, because you’re trying to move them into a better place in life and not people please or really level up and become independent on their own. How hard is that for you to not get stuck in someone’s story a little bit? Yes, I’m always putting that line of protection of me because I’m a very empathetic, sensitive person and I won so badly for people to grow. And as you as a grower as well, you always see the best in them and can see their potential. And you know that it’s a hard journey, but you know that you’re going to be there to support them along the way. Because as we know, as coaches, we’ve done a lot of hard work. We’ve done the work and we know what it takes. And so we can be that guide gently, nudging, prodding, sometimes pulling along. Yeah. So maybe if you were still in that discovery period and you’re kind of like working through and kind of get to know them and really. An agenda with them. Is there any good question that you wish they would ask you but never do? Yeah. I think for me, the big question that I would like them to ask me is how I emotionally regulate during this intense period of growth that people go through in order to emerge from people pleasing. Because it’s all about managing our fears and managing our anxiety. Because we are so uncomfortable with that anxiety or that uncomfortableness when we know that people are upset with us, don’t like us. Sure. And that is the hard work of this, is to really soothe ourselves, so to speak, right in this process. That’s beautiful. I couldn’t have said it even better. Emotionally regulate through intense growth. That’s pretty solid. How can you do that as a coach, man, that’s beautiful. Have you seen the movie Back to the Future? Long time ago. Okay. Can you believe it’s? Coming up on 40 years. Oh, really? Like 85. It came out right. So let’s get that DeLorean with Marty McFly. Michael J. Fox played him, right? Let’s get that DeLorean with Marty McFly. Let’s go back to the double dues. The 22 year old trina, I don’t know if it was students at the time. Let’s just say 22 year old trina what kind of knowledge nuggets we call them here. Time to shine today. What kind of knowledge nuggets might you drop on her? Not so much. Change anything? Because I mean, yeah, you wouldn’t like the cancer and the divorce and stuff like that, but what you drop on her to maybe help her shorten a learning curve, level up maybe just a little bit quicker? I think, taking a hard look at your beliefs I think all of our success and our work comes from our beliefs. And as a people, pleaser, we’re constantly this. Blending, changing, molding into what other people want, and we don’t really know what we think and feel. And as a 22 year old, I was kind of this chameleon and not really knowing what I thought and felt and think. So I would probably get clear early on about what are my values and what are my beliefs, and my actions in life would flow from that in a better way. That’s so good. So then how does Trina want her dash? Remember that little line between your incarnation date and your expiration date, your life date and death? Hopefully it’s way down the line. We already kicked these ass, right? But let’s keep moving forward. How does Trina want her dash? Remember, what came to mind was just she lived fully. She lived with full expression, full energy, full out, full on. Whatever that looks like, but it’s fully with my arms open. That was kind of a theme for me for a long time of this freedom of just like you said, you’ve surrendered to what people might think, and you just are okay with being who you’re meant to be and letting your light shine, and you’re shining that light on others so they can too. It’s like you’re literally planting trees. You’re never going to sit in the shade. I’ve heard you say that before, and that was one of my favorite questions, very sparsely. Say it, because this actually said to me by the person that kind of wrote it, and it’s like at an event I was speaking, and that just really set me over the top with some stuff. So that’s fantastic. What is Trina’s Then definition of a life well lived? She loved freely. Yeah, it kind of goes back to your dash. She loved freely. She was able to receive and give love freely. And I think that’s a full life when this love for ourselves pours over into people that we encounter and meet. And I’ve had some pushback that I’m teaching selfishness with people pleasing. That’s not true. No, man. I’m teaching a self. Having a self. Yeah. I ask people to go to the dictionary and read selfishness. To me, nothing about is derogatory. You know what I’m saying? And I think that people are not that are not trying to level up to themselves are sinning. And I’m not meaning that in a religious kind of tone. The root word of sinny comes from Greek, which means sinny, which means missing the mark. I think we’re little jitly sinning if we’re not really growing to the utmost. I mean, a dog, a cat, an animal can only live and evolve to so much. We can evolve this so much more and give so much more back. That’s beautiful. So then what do you think people misunderstand the most about you? I would say right now with you mentioned family and what they misunderstand is that my sensitive side is my superpower her. And there’s been some thoughts that maybe I feel too much and I maybe over journal, but my sensitive side is really my superpower, which is part of the intuitiveness that is my gift in coaching. Love that. Love it. In. Do you find yourself as you’re making the transformation you help others make? Information. Do you ever find yourself falling into an imposter syndrome? Of course. Let me ask you, how do you get past that? In a sense, I try to use my sense of humor. I try to acknowledge that everybody’s trying to do their best. Right? We’re all just trying to do our best. And everybody has different life experiences. And there’s no amount of credentials behind our name that can make us feel worthy enough. I think that really comes from internally believing that what we have to offer the world is unique and it comes from our life experiences. So no two people are the same in that. So I don’t need to pretend to be any else. Love it. So if I was at a networking event out press and flesh, meeting people whatnot? And doing what God gave me two years and what? For and listening for something. What might someone say that would make them a good referral for you, Trina? A good referral is the people pleaser that really wants to live a fuller, bigger life but feels constrained by their lack of confidence. Not lack, but their overwhelmness, their unhappiness. Wow. Somebody who is just in that transition of, like, maybe their kids are gone and they just are not sure what to do next. They’re in that midlife unraveling where they’re really asking themselves some tough questions. What’s next for me? Love it. I love it. How about three things that Trina can’t live without? I don’t want to hear air and water and food. Give me three things and they could be a noun. It could be person, place, or thing. Name three things that Trina can’t live. Relationships, community, kind of the deep, connected, intimate relationships that I’m finally forming now that I’ve done. People pleasing a blank page because I’m a writer. I’ve been writing my entire life and nature. That’s beautiful. You like to get out a little bit? I like to get that a little bit. Is it cold there? I’m just kidding. I’m messing with you. I’m in South Florida. Here in Jupiter, Florida. And it’s like, yeah, I got my paddle board this morning. Nothing on. It was beautiful. Something on but it just me and my pit bull on there. So, squad, we’re going to take my good friend Trina through our leveling up lightning round just as soon as we get back from thanking our sponsors and affiliates. Time to shine today podcast varsity. While we are back in Trina, I know we’re going to rock some stages one day and be at some book signing events and do some, hopefully some coach. Together as well, and we’ll maybe talk about some of these questions at length. But if you listen to the show, you have 5 seconds with no explanations, and they can all be answered that way, I promise you. Okay, you ready to level up? I’m ready to level up. Do it. What is the best leveling up advice you’ve ever received? Don’t let money hold you back. Love it. Share one of your personal habits that contributes to your success. It’s yoga. Beautiful. What kind? I’m breaking my rule here. Vinyasa. Vinyasa. Beautiful. I’m an ashtanga guy. Beautiful. So I’m walking down the street, man, fricky looks like he’s a little bit in his doldrums. What book might you hand Me outside of yours? What book might you hand me to Level up? Slight edge by Jeff Olsen. Isn’t that great? I have my freaking penny right here. I have my penny. I have to show you your penny. I have my penny right here. Is it compounding? It’s compounding. It sits literally on my desk since I’ve read Olsen’s book. I love it. Love. And yeah, I got to speak with him years ago, and he’s a brilliant man. I love it. And he also there’s a book, Slight Edge for Teens. If you have teens in your life. Oh, really? He did put that out. Beautiful. That’s a great book. What’s your most commonly used emoji in your text? Smiley face. Love it. Nicknames growing up. Cat. Because my name is short for Katrina. Oh, really? It Wiena. Also Trina. I love it. I love it. Tall Trina. I’m tall me something in the past year less than $100 that you think has really improved your life and leveled you up. Insight timer. Love it. What’s a hidden talent or superpower that no One knows about you card reader. Chess. Checkers. Or Monopoly? Checkers. Me too. Headline for your life. She Danced. Love it. Go to ice cream flavor trina mint chocolate chip. Right. There’s a sandwich called the Cat Arena. Let’s build that sandwich for me. Avocado bean sprouts. Little turkey, little little cranberry relish. Little Swiss cheese making me hungry. Dave’s bread. Love it. Love it. Favorite charity and organization. Like to give your time or money to Mennonite Disaster Service. Oh, beautiful. Okay. Expanded Mennonite central committee. Okay. They send money around projects around the world to help people in disaster relief. That’s beautiful. Last question you can elaborate on. One. But what is the best decade of music? Sixty s. Seventy s. Eighty s or 90s? I’m going to go with the awesome. Beautiful. So how can we find you? Trina can find me@trinastutzman.com. Spell that for us, please. T-R-I-N-A-S-T-U-T-Z-M-A-N. Beautiful. It’s a fantastic site. Lots of good stuff on there as well. And let’s dig into your book. Twelve Steps to Overcome People Pleasing. One woman’s journey of awakening to find peace using practical tools to become her true self. Talk to me about this. Yeah, well, I would say that I’m a recovering people pleaser. I’m now recovered, I believe, although this is still a journey. But going off the twelve steps in the recovery movement, I decided to do a little spoof on that. So these twelve steps are my testament to how I overcame people pleasing. It is a book that has a lot of nuggets. As they say, people, pleasers don’t have a lot of time. So it’s kind of magazine style. It starts with a story from my own life, has my journal, some of my journal entries, some poems, has a freedom toolkit with some simple tools, and then has some prompts and reflection questions at the end of each chapter. Yes. Did you write that during Coronavirus or when did you write that? I just have had it on my laptop. You know, how I’m that writer. I’m that, quote, gatherer, and then it was just a matter of when I decided to do it. It seemed real simple to get the steps. I had my publisher help me with the format of it, and it was just a matter of looking at my own life, my resources, and what I already currently had and to make it into a book. So it’s a dream come true to be an author, published author. And this month, we’re celebrating a year that it’s been out, and it’s been doing well, and I’m enjoying sharing, spreading the word. So thank you so much for. See me share it with your community and having me on your show. Congrats on that success. That’s beautiful that you got it out there, especially from somebody that was kind of lack of better term silenced throughout life. Really get your voice heard and have the cajones to really do that. Squad the first person that puts people pleasers are liars in anything. I don’t care if it’s pinterest Instagram. I don’t care if you text it to us 561-440-3830 email it to whoever says people pleases are liars. I will personally purchase actually, let’s do four books. Purchase four books. That trina, if you don’t mind, can I send you the money form and you sign them and send you a little bit extra for postage and mail them out to people? Perfect. I would be happy, of course. And then have you mail it out to them? That’d be fantastic. And Trina, do me one last solid. Leave us with one last knowledge nugget we can take with us internalize and take action on tell the truth. Just be a little bit more honest with. Safe people in your life. Find those safe people and just be a little bit more honest with them. Wow, that is strong. And that can let you have your own individuality individuality and let you grow. And Squad, we just had a fun conversation with really one of my besties now, Trina, she came from a community that all the same, would be one. She was a compliant, good girl. She faced a big seed challenge, the cancer challenge, and that really kind of forced her to move into her authenticity, which I think is just it sucks that she had to go through a squad, but in the end, it’s kind of a blessing. She stopped people pleasing and became a truth teller and started valuing her feelings. And she wants you to do that too. She reminds us that people pleasers are liars and that it. If you are a people pleaser, you maybe try to disappoint one person a day, because that’s what Trina has, a buffer. She’s not disrespecting, she’s just disappointed. Pointing them. If they expect her to be somewhere, she might just not be there, especially if it’s an expectation. She really listens with her clients, so if anyone says they’re looking to hire her, which I hope you do, she listens for those distress points. She really leans in with her neck and listens to all the senses, how you’re looking. She might look for goosebumps or whatnot what’s really getting you fired up and then help you work through that challenge in how you emotionally regulate through intense growth. Ask your coach. That coach is not a coach just because, hey wakes up one day and wants to be a coach. The coach is there, and they had to go through that growth. And ask your coach how they emotionally regulated while they were going through that. She wants you to take a good, hard look at your beliefs, especially if you’re younger. But even if you’re older, that’s where success will come from them. Don’t be a chameleon and really try to fit in. Be transparent. Be authentic. If you don’t know how, do my good friend Leah Woodford was saying, get your asking gear. There’s people out there like Trina or My. They will be happy to share knowledge with you, who will be remembered as someone that lived fully, arms open, freedom again. She planted trees. She’s planning trees. She’s never going to sit in the church. She is somebody that lived and loved freely. And also remember that your sensitive side can be a superpower. It doesn’t make you meek and weak. It can be a superpower. And if tell the truth with the same people in your life that blew me away, that’s fantastic, because the people that are trying to keep you safe sometimes are holding you back. And it could be jealousy. It could be they love you too much. They’re afraid to lose you. They could be envy or whatnot. But just be authentic. Be yourself. That’s what my good friend Trina does. She levels up her health. She levels up her wealth. She’s absolutely beautiful and stunning. She’s hungry and humble. And she’s earned a varsity letter here at time to send today. Thank you so much for coming on. Trina, I absolutely love your guts. Thank you so much. Thanks. You’re welcome. Chat soon, all right.

DISCLOSURE: I may be an affiliate for products and resources  that I recommend. If you purchase those items through my links I will earn a commission. You will not pay more when buying a product through my link. In fact, I often times am able to negotiate a lower rate (or bonuses) not available elsewhere.

Plus, when you order through my link, it helps me to continue to offer you lots of free stuff.  Thank you in advance for your support