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Speech Transcript (very little editing so not exact)

Robert, thank you so much for coming on. Please introduce yourself the time to shine today. Podcast varsity squad. But first, what’s your favorite color?

Unknown Speaker  2:34  

And why orange buddy? Orange.

Unknown Speaker  2:36  

Orange is a fun color, man.

Unknown Speaker  2:38  

Oh, it’s an excellent color.

Unknown Speaker  2:39  

I love it. I love it. So what’s the name of that city? Because you said it’s not really even on the map. So

Unknown Speaker  2:44  

yeah, well, it’s not on social media maps, really. So it’s a it’s a village called puncheon? Thoreau. And it’s a medieval village. My house is around 500 And something years old. I have 1000 year old castle in my backyard who has 900 People they still make their own pasta, wine cheese everything by hand.

Unknown Speaker  3:06  

You have a WhatsApp? Yes, they do. I’m gonna have to have you send me some pictures of that man afterwards, because that that’s my kind of jam. I’m a history loser. You know, I’m saying that anything is history. I get I dig into that. That’s just amazing. So, but you have quite a story. But let’s maybe get before the events of of Your late wife. But let’s maybe kind of like where you were when you were younger. In squat. If you’re watching on Vimeo or YouTube, if Robert goes like, this is real, there you go. It means perfect. He’s not telling me to shut up or Hurry up or anything like that. He’s telling me it’s perfect. So, Robert, let’s give it a little bit of origins. If you don’t mind, my friend,

Unknown Speaker  3:46  

sure, at the origins is so important to the whole transformation. Because as crazy as this is going to sound I was blessed to have an abusive alcoholic father. So, you know, I’m in New York City kid, and Italian American family. My dad unfortunately, had an issue with alcohol and with violence. But that taught me a lot of skills. I mean, I can look back on it now. But you know, I learned about uncertainty. I learned about resilience, grit, I learned about my voice. I stood up for myself. Finally, when I was around the age of 13. That was the last time he ever raised a hand to me. And that was because he was a bully, right. So I learned about my own personal power. And all of that then led me to pursue what in a kid’s mind, or at least my mind would be my saving grace, which was money. Freedom was money. I’m a kid of you know, Gordon Gekko and we wrote that, so of course, you know, yeah, you chase money, right? Yeah. And so I just started at the age of 13. I started working before Were school after school. Crazy, but back then you could you could find a job in a grocery store. So,

Unknown Speaker  5:05  

Robert, if you don’t mind me asking you, I am 56 Okay, so we’re right around. I’m 50. So we’re right. Okay. Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker  5:13  

And, you know, that taught me a lot, but it was fueled by anger. And anger can be a motivator, but it’s not sustainable. And then I meet this amazing young woman, 17 years old. I’m 19 in college. And she’s like, you know, I want to date you. And I’m like, No, I don’t want to date anybody. You know, because after when I saw my family, I just want to be alone. I want to make money. I don’t want anyone in my life. And within a month, I told my mother, I met the woman that I was going to marry. And she just bowled me over. She was amazing, amazing. And she taught me about love. She taught me about opening up, she taught me about so many different things. And then, at the peak of our everything, she was enrolled in an MD PhD, I had just gotten an investment banking job at the Abu Dhabi Investment Authority in the United Arab Emirates. I mean, it was just dream package, dream, everything. He’s diagnosed with late stage breast cancer right before her 31st birthday. And to tell you the truth, those life skills as a kid came right to surface, you know, resilience, grit, let’s get through it, let’s manage this. And her story is very unusual, which is why it was on the front page of The New York Times when she passed away, because because she was doing the MD PhD. She said, Robert, I know enough of medicine to be dangerous to myself. So I want you to speak to the doctors, I just want to show for my treatment and go home, I want to be a patient. And so I was the middle person during that phase, and then when her cancer, it just never went away in her liver. And it just started to get worse. I eventually wound up leaving my job because I thought, You know what, I don’t need to care for her. She was self sufficient. But because I was getting this information of Well, now it’s in her bones. Now it’s in her lung. Now. It’s, I was thinking to myself, Okay, timewise I gotta pay attention to this. And also I want this woman to achieve her dreams. And her dream was to take her diagnosis her journey, and use it to become like this amazing doctor. And her big goal was she said, You know what, I want to get into palliative care. And I don’t know if you know, in enough about palliative care, but yeah, okay. So relative care is very misunderstood because people think palliative care is hospice. Hospice is a part of palliative care at the end of the journey. Palliative care is a medical discipline, to focus on quality of life, managing symptoms during the arc of a disease. So she said, I want to do this, and I said, I’m right behind you, whatever you need. And she wound up becoming the founding director of palliative care at New York Hospital with metastatic breast cancer. And she built a program then she passed away. So that’s, you know, I started the childhood in a very difficult, confused, uncertain, dynamic, which is what cancer really is. So those skills I put to use, and one of the things my wife and I learned, which is the first book I wrote, was to live in joy, that cancer was not the definition of her life, her identity, my life, my identity, our life. Cancer was an accent color, it was contrast, to present joy. And we lived this amazing life, she journeyed with cancer for 11 years. And I specifically use the word journey because for her, it was a journey. It wasn’t a battle was part of life. She didn’t want to go through the negativity of being in a battle. That was her choice, and I support that. So after she passed away, I was still investment banking had a tremendous amount of debt, because an 11 year journey with cancer is not sure not cheap, and not because of the medical system. But more. You know, back then she was diagnosed in the late 90s was hard to find supplements, organic food, or acupuncture, you know, whatever you can think. Right. And so, I went back to Dubai, because that was the job I had left. And I was there and I’m like, You know what? This is not right anymore. I don’t belong here but I was so lost. And what I realized is, I’m a big acronym guy as well, like I love acronyms. My whole life has an acronym or my whole life has a metaphor of something I don’t know. So I realized that, for me, loss represented the lack of self, I lost my identity and security. The world didn’t seem safe anymore. And so I was like, who am I? And I realized that I had to unpack all the expectations of what I thought my life was supposed to be sure, you know, and you start looking at that I was supposed to have this beautiful blonde wife, maybe hopefully living in a penthouse in New York, I mean, making money, her being a great doctor and doing all this stuff. And, you know, that wasn’t, wasn’t meant to be. And so, as I started unpacking my expectations, I realized two really important skills. And I learned them as a child, and I learned them from my grandmother, who was my father’s mother, and she was the one that guided me. Use your father as an example of what not to be, you don’t want to be like him. You know, she was so great. And there were two, two skills. One was daydreaming. So as a child, I had to daydream what would be possible that’s what a possibility and action comes from what would be possible, right? And so there was the daydreaming. And then there was curiosity, of you know, what, just be be open. Like, the more curious we are, the more opportunities there’s

Unknown Speaker  11:43  

power in the world, or coach that to my clients.

Unknown Speaker  11:46  

I mean, for me, those two things, I looked at them, and I said, okay, if I’m daydreaming, I have to start with small steps, because I can’t fill a big hole of loss tomorrow. Right? Now, I got to start putting little nuggets in there. And I finally got to the point where as I, I joke, but I say all the time, you know, grief, and the Psalm that says, As I walked through the shadow of the valley of death, nowhere does it say in that Psalm, sit down light, a campfire and roast marshmallows. It says walk through, right, move, right? And actually, there you go. So I’m like, Okay, I got to the point where I asked myself, what would be the craziest dream I could live? What is the story I want to look back on? on my deathbed. And it was to attempt and I use the word attempt, specifically, because I think tried today is a word that we use. Well, no, you know, there’s all these excuses why we can’t do it.

Unknown Speaker  12:49  

Right, not. Right. Yeah, right. Try

Unknown Speaker  12:51  

not right. So I would attempt to live in Italy attempt to make a life work. And I asked myself, like, really? What if I can pull it off? I didn’t ask myself about failure. I, through the journey with my wife and understanding impermanence, and precious time, and all these other things, they’re such great liberators, and I was blessed to we were married for almost 20 years. Actually, her her memorial service was on our 20th wedding anniversary, which was crazy. So she wanted a party anyway, so it was a different type of party. But she was celebrated. And I said, You know what, I have all of this all these gifts. Let me just go live life, and so has nothing to do with money. By the way, anyone listening to this? Yeah, ex investment banker. I was teaching English for $8 An hour off. It was no money. I had to recreate my life from scratch. Sure. I showed up in Italy, didn’t speak Italian didn’t have a place to live didn’t have a job and didn’t know anyone got it. I just said you know what? I want to be that explorer. I want to go out there and journey and, and the word we’re not supposed to use the word anymore. We could use nomadic to a certain extent, but my grandmother always used to say live like a gypsy, but in the good way. Yeah. Just tasted all right. So here I am in Italy. And I started realizing that one of the things I missed about myself, not necessarily my wife, I miss her still every day, but what I missed about myself, was helping her achieve her dreams. And I’m like, Oh, that’s a life coach. And I went to life coaching school in Italian, to force myself to learn Italian. And that’s how I wound up making a whole life here.

Unknown Speaker  14:44  

What a journey man that is. I think that you’re built for coaching. You and I are brothers from different mothers man. Like, you know, I didn’t lose a wife and I lost a little brother to suicide. But my dad was Vietnam vet. alcoholic, bad really bad. And me and him are best friends now he doesn’t mind me talking about it. But that’s a lot of it’s I can resonate so so much with. So when we moved into the coaching business, I mean, you got accredited, you learned it, you lived it for frickin 20 years or 10 years, you know, helping your wife achieve her dream. So when you do work, one on one or with groups mostly?

Unknown Speaker  15:24  

So that’s a great question because my model has, has really evolved. And it’s one of the things I just it’s that whole curiosity thing, right? For me, I like everything to sort of be fluid. So I started one on one, and I still do one on one, then I sort of moved into group coaching. And group coaching was based more on themes for like, I’m a big essentialist. No, I had a group coaching course on living in essential life. Resilience, for me comes from my childhood and everything else. So I have a belief that resilience comes from the way we are all resilient, we wouldn’t be here if we weren’t. But resilience exists at the intersection of three key domains, purpose, perspective, and personal power. Once you can control those and understand those and control I don’t mean control as in control the machine, you can control your your being within them and the understanding of them, you can access your resilience without your back being against the wall. Love that. Oh, yes, that was another group coaching. It has now transitioned into possibility and action retreats in Italy. Love it. And so I’m, I’m hosting one in three weeks in polio. And so it’s a little unusual, because what we do is it’s seven days, and each day will visit a place. But the place represents almost a metaphor, or it’s a symbol for the life lesson. So we go visit Matera, for example. Matera is where the Passion of the Christ was filmed here. And it’s all those cave homes. So we get to talk about Plato’s analogy of the cave, which is the Matrix movie, by the way, the matrix just stole that. And you know, also passion, what is passion, and all of that, so or we’ll go visit a castle where supposedly the holy grail was housed. Okay. And we talked about what’s your holy grail? Are you protecting it? Do you have boundaries? Wow, those are all got to living? Yeah, to living your life. That’s what I love about the coaching. It’s what I love about what I watched my wife achieve, is writing our own story. That’s what it’s all about.

Unknown Speaker  17:39  

It is it is and 100%. So when you’re working, say whether it’s a group or one on one, Robert, is there any protocol or secret sauce, you’re gonna mind sharing to that initial conversation and maybe help them find their blind spot?

Unknown Speaker  17:56  

You know, it’s it really is individual. So the discovery calls that I really sit down and I talk to people, people usually reach out to me when they feel there’s something else out there. And so I asked them, What is this something else that you think is out there your

Unknown Speaker  18:15  

major question asker that I’m a major choice protocol. Okay, love, and you probably listened very intently with your neck, you really lean in and hear that? Yeah. Because I believe that, you know, everybody knows what they want. They just don’t know, they don’t know, the questions to ask to get to them.

Unknown Speaker  18:35  

100% The whole thing is, the better the questions, the better your growth, the better the response, the better all of that. And so, I try, I’m not a big believer in motivators, right? Because I can’t really motivate you, I can stimulate you, you’re gonna be a little high for a while, and then you can just go back down to baseline, what I want to do is I want to empower someone to realize that they have it in them. They just have to break down those walls. And, like, part of that whole thing, that conversation we had about expectations. Sure. I say all the time, expectations are the blocks with which you build your prison. If left unchecked, they become the warden of the prison, you start living because of an expectation that might not even be valid. So that’s where all the questioning comes in. And if you think about life in general, right. It’s like a sculptor and I say this all the time because I love sculpting. And you know, Michael Michael Angelo’s quote of Michelangelo, yeah. of David. He said, David was in the Marvel, right? Our life is Marvel the first you have to chip away all the excess.

Unknown Speaker  19:53  

Right? Right. I love it. I love it even that’s done with my, with my clients. I I should have said it a different way. It’s like we all know we want, we just don’t know how to talk ourselves into it. We’re always talking ourselves out of it. And a lot of it comes with expectations. I love love that. So with when you’re maybe in a discovery period or whatnot, or if this can be group or one on one, Robert, is there any good question that you wish they would ask you, but never do?

Unknown Speaker  20:23  

Oh, wow. That is? That is a great question. Wow, that that that actually stopped me in my tracks there for a second. So something that I wish they would ask me, and they don’t know, because I’d rather them ask themselves. So there are times though, that I wish they would ask themselves questions like what’s blocking me? Like I have to promise you after. So in that discovery session, they’re very open to listening to questions, but they don’t want to yet go into the darkness. Right? What’s blocking you? That’s really bad. I’m not a why guy. Just

Unknown Speaker  21:08  

I’ve never used why ever. It’s judgmental.

Unknown Speaker  21:11  

It’s an archeological dig. We could stay there forever digging a hole of why did these things happen? Okay, let’s just go back it was your mother, your father or something like that? Let’s get on and move towards actual right. What’s What do you? How do you want to be those questions? So, but a lot of times, people I have to prompt for blockages. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker  21:36  

It’s an art like you, you know, you brought up Michelangelo, you brought up other things as a coach, it is an art. It’s an art that I get off on, man. It’s like I love to see because every person has their issue or problem saying that in quotes, if you’re not watching inside them that the solution resides there too. And just getting them to see that in them Lighten up, and then coming up with their own solution on their you know, they’re going to take a lot more like you say action, if they come up with it. And if I consult them, and tell them what to do, I love it. So have you seen the movie Back to the Future?

Unknown Speaker  22:10  

Sure, if I can remember it is a different story. But

Unknown Speaker  22:14  

let’s get that glory with Marty McFly. All right, let’s get back to the double Deuce the 22 year old Robert in love. And me ask your wife’s name, please Deseret. So you had Deseret there together probably three years by then because you matter when you’re 19. But let’s go back to the double deuce to 22 years old is I don’t want you to change. I’m sure you would change things. But I don’t want you to change really anything because your journey is pretty spectacular. Okay. But is there any knowledge nuggets that you might drop on him to maybe help them shorten the learning curve? Or maybe blast through maybe just a little bit quicker?

Unknown Speaker  22:50  

Sure. So first, I just I wanted to circle back because you know what? I never change anything in my past. Okay. No, no, no, no, it’s just because I, I’m happy with who I am. So I know I have to thank everything, right from the past, right? All of it. But what would I say to Robert at 22. I would tell him to go a little slower, to not try to figure everything out all the time. And that whole thing of figuring it out. I would tell him of the art of surrender. Yeah. Because I was not a surrender guy. At 22 years old. I was trying to control everything where I could, you know, I was I was very focused. I’d work the like, every single little second and keep everything organized and perfect. So that’s, that’s really, I would also teach Robert, about understanding his best because that’s something that I know now is our best may be 10%. Today might be 100%. Tomorrow, or best is not always 100% that that’s an expectation that we really can’t live up to and then we start to condemn ourselves. Right. So it would have been to say, you know, what, if your intention is to give what you got. That’s it. That’s your best.

Unknown Speaker  24:15  

Love it. Love it. So how, how does Robert want his dash remember that little line in between your incarnation I love that dash,

Unknown Speaker  24:27  

I want that dash to be multicolored. It’d be Blinken. So what I want my dash to be is that I lived my philosophy. And that’s a possibility and action is me. It’s how I approach life. And that’s what I want people that when you know they’re at my funeral. He really loved it.

Unknown Speaker  24:56  

That’s awesome. That’s awesome. You remind me of so many still works because I’ve dug into the one that pops two of them pop into my head with the Seneca and Epictetus. Like you can like, like, I hang out with those two every day. You know what I’m saying? I dig in to both of those I love Marcus really is, but it’s just to, to me, it’s just like to that like Seneca just man hit you in the mouth. So yeah, this because he was like us were, he was a businessman. Or was better, you know, I love it. I love it. So, Robert, what is your definition of a life will live.

Unknown Speaker  25:38  

It’s 100% Living in harmony with your uniqueness. And here’s the thing that I can’t I don’t think I came up with this word, but I’m sure somebody else has. And I call it self you ality. And the reason I use that word is because the idea of coming out is based for sexuality. But we all need to come out to our uniqueness. Well, to not feel wrong to be who we are. Well, that’s a life well

Unknown Speaker  26:14  

lived. That’s beautiful. That’s so so good. Time to shine today. Podcast versus squad we are back and Robert. I think I just might make a trip over to Italy here in the next year or two and hang out excellent couple days or whatnot. And we can talk about each one of these questions for probably 15 probably with you an hour each one. Today you have five seconds with no explanations and they cannot be answered that way. You ready to level up brother? Yep, let’s go through this. Robert, what’s the best leveling up advice you’ve ever received? The best one leveling up advice you’ve ever received.

Unknown Speaker  26:49  

Take action.

Unknown Speaker  26:50  

Beautiful, share one of your personal habits that contributes to your success.

Unknown Speaker  26:55  

320s So I journal in the morning I read in the morning and I exercise in the morning 20 minutes. I

Unknown Speaker  27:01  

love it. You see me walking down the street you know, it looks like he’s in his doldrums a little bit outside of the books you’ve authored and quickly in this workbook might you hear me to level me up Touching the Void eautiful I know that Pikachu a lot of people don’t but I do know that but what’s your most commonly used emoji when you text

Unknown Speaker  27:21  

happy face

Unknown Speaker  27:21  

beautiful nicknames

Unknown Speaker  27:24  

sorry nickname named Robbie.

Unknown Speaker  27:26  

Got it? Just checkers or monopoly? Chess? Right? Go to ice cream flavor.

Unknown Speaker  27:34  

Rocky Road.

Unknown Speaker  27:35  

Beautiful here the second interview today. No lie, bro. awesome to see the rocky road. There’s a there’s a sandwich name. The Deseret Rocky Boy. Robbie boy built that sandwich for me.

Unknown Speaker  27:49  

Wow, that would be alright, I’m gonna throw the Italian out at you. Okay, so that’s gonna be pursued though. And that’s going to be stracciatella nice crusty break

Unknown Speaker  28:01  

up and you’re hanging out for sure. favorite charity and organization like to give your time or money to

Unknown Speaker  28:09  

buddy there’s a bunch of them all dealing with breast cancer. So

Unknown Speaker  28:13  

my mom passed from it. I get it. Thank you for doing it. Last question, but what’s the best decade of music 60s 70s 80s 90s Hit me to do big hair don’t care. Do you have the invention of every music? Do the songs today? Have books from the Gauss sisters pypl song that the hook from ah has taken me never know. Yeah, definitely. Like what was going on here? But you know you had the invasion of YouTube minute word. Duran Duran but then you also had Beastie Boys Run DMC big hair don’t care glam rock metal rock that do that. That’s awesome. So we gotta we gotta push towards the finish line here Robert but how can we find you my friend?

Unknown Speaker  28:55  

All right, the best place to go is my website Robert party P ar di.com

Unknown Speaker  29:01  

It’s funny because next week I’m going to see John party in concert he I’m not really into country music but my lady is and I’ve actually seen him before and he’s a lot of fun in South Florida with a weather cooling down now it’s it’s a beautiful outdoor concert. So let’s talk let’s talk about your book the possibility and action in squad I’m going to give a free book giveaway on my dime to you the first person that puts let’s say self you ality into the any kind of healthcare if it’s Pinterest LinkedIn wherever you see our if you put in self your self you ality I will have a book sent out to you possibly in action, but can you get into a little bit and again, we’re a little bit against time but here’s your little bit about about the book please.

Unknown Speaker  29:55  

Okay, really quick. So I I come up with these crazy thoughts in my head all the time. possibility and action and as an explanation of how I came up with the philosophy and the pillars such as impermanence, then there are 52 short stories which I call musings about weird things like a tollbooth. And the questions will be. Are you on the right road? Should you be paying the toll that’s in front of you? What are you paying the toll with? Should you get off the exit? That’s an example of one using this 52 of them. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker  30:29  

I love it. And so like they could read it in a year. I mean, they could probably learn

Unknown Speaker  30:32  

the journaling prompt book. And yeah, I can’t wait to pick it

Unknown Speaker  30:35  

up. And so I’m going to actually get the paperback cover, then I usually am a Kindle guy, but I’m going to definitely get that. So Robert, what? Can you one last salad because I just have pages and pages of notes. Man, I’m blown away by this. And we’re going to do it again next year as well. But what leave us with one last Knowledge Nugget we can take with us internalize and take action.

Unknown Speaker  30:56  

All right, it’s one of my favorites. We only live in extraordinary life when we value the ordinary moments.

Unknown Speaker  31:07  

That is strong.

Unknown Speaker  31:10  

That comes from the journey with my wife, I’ll tell you right now.

Unknown Speaker  31:13  

That’s awesome, man. It’s awesome about Deseret, but it’s awesome. You know that you see this and you’ve taken that in squad we’ve had an emotional level up. masterclass free one with my good friend, Robert here, who, you know, he’s blessed like myself to have had an alcoholic father that taught him skills, not just skills or how to get out of chokeholds or how to get out of his fist, but also the resilience to grit and he’s built a personal power, you know, anger fueled him but he remember he found out that it’s anger is not sustainable. You know, that he met Deseret, she was 17. He was 19. Okay, she taught love and trust in opening up when you have somebody in your life, you’re frickin unstoppable, you know, Deseret, unfortunately, became sick, he became she, she’s medically knowledged. And she didn’t want to fight with the doctors. So she trusted the protocol. But Robert was there as well. He called himself a middle person to really kind of relay things back and just kept her his before he was even a life coach. He was her life coach to help her achieve her dreams. So the MD PhD, and being selfless, you know, he realized that, you know, she lived in joy and cancer was not her identity, you know, and the accent color. And the contrast of that is joy. And he threw an acronym out there for loss. LSS was lack of self insecurity. And that’s, that’s a beautiful way of putting in loss and being able to understand it a little bit better. You know, his grandma remind him to daydream, you remember that while you’re daydreaming, realize that it’s inch by inch, it’s a cinch that everything you get done at once by the yard, it’s hard, so inch by inch, and then what I call the most powerful anything on the surface curiosity, you know, in that’s what he is full of, you know, he doesn’t, he doesn’t want you to try stuff you want you to attempt that while his wife was sick. He attempted to make sure that she was getting her education and living her dream while she was breathing air in the surf. And she reminds us that resilience exists in purpose and perspective, and personal power. And I just messed that up because I was typing so fast that I that you can go back and really listen to that. Okay, the expectations he reminds us are the blocks that build a prison and if they are not checked, they become the warden you become locked in there. If you’re maybe younger, or if even if you’re older, go slower. Don’t try to figure everything out at once. And like my good friend Leah Woodford would say get your asking gear. If you get stuck. You know, you want you to surrender instant understand that your best can change my dude is planting trees is never going to sit in the shade of and that’s the kind of people I like to vibe with. You know, Roberts will be remembered as someone that lived his philosophy and he lived in harmony with his own uniqueness or what he calls so self you ality you know, and we only live a life an extraordinary life when we value the ordinary ones and that one hit home do that one like made frickin tears well up in my eyes because it’s, that’s where I get stuck sometimes. And I’m going for the big stuff. And I really should again, listen to what I say to my clients. We’re inch by inch. It’s a cinch by the yard. It’s hard to embrace every single part of your life and that’s what my good friend Robert does. He levels up his health levels up as well. He’s hungry yet he’s humble. And he’s earned his varsity letter here at time to shine today. Thank you so much, Robert for coming on. Absolutely love your guts brother.

Unknown Speaker  34:41  

Scott. This was amazing. truly awesome. Have a great day my friend. You too.

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