L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): time to Shine today, podcast Varsity Squad. Welcome back to another powerful edition of Time to Shine in Today podcast. I’m your host, coach Fergie. Blessed to be your gap coach, specialize in peak performance mental conditioning, working with business leaders, entrepreneurs, entertainers, athletes, C-suite, and students to help them bridge their success gap.

To live a life of options and not obligations on this platform, we’re stoked to bring you high performers who are not just chasing and attaining success, but defining it through providing above and [00:01:00] beyond service and. Basically this week we’re gonna talk a little bit about discomfort, not the physical ones, the emotional ones, the accountability moments, the conversations, that you owe yourself the decisions that you know you need, but kept delaying.

And here’s what hit me when I had, was in a coaching session this week, one of my clients. The discomfort is not a threat, it’s a signal. It’s the dashboard, like seeing you’re entering the part of your life that actually matters. So when my client stopped trying to outthink it, stopped trying to wait for the perfect moment, simply stepped into the discomfort with clarity and calm, boom, everything leveled up.

His confidence, his energy, his follow through, all because he stopped negotiating with a voice that he wanted, the easy road. So here’s your challenge. This week’s squad. Where are you avoiding the very thing that would move you forward? Where are you choosing comfort over growth? Where are you waiting for a perfect time that isn’t coming?

Lean into that space. Not recklessly, not emotionally. Just with presence, ownership, and a little discipline like I always am coaching from neutrality. [00:02:00] Okay, squad. ’cause the people who grow fastest aren’t the ones who know the most. They’re the ones who stop running from the reps that matter and squad. I am gonna bring on a guest here that I immensely respect and we’re leveling up with my good friend Jana Paitel.

And. She’s literally transforming lives, relationships, and the way couples experience each other. She’s someone who walked away from a 26 year sexist marriage, pivoted out of a powerhouse legal career, and turned her pain into purpose. And today, she’s one of the most respected voices and intimacy, connection and relational healing.

She is a nationally recognized sex and intimacy coach and bestselling author of Living an Orgasmic Life, and she also has a new book coming out, so stay on and we’re gonna talk a little bit about that. And she’s also the visionary force behind passionate in intimacy retreats, where she’s guided over a hundred couples through breakthroughs that reignite safety, passion, curiosity, and joy.

She specialized in helping committed couples. Who feel stuck or disconnected, rediscover the emotional and sexual connection that they knew was [00:03:00] possible but could not reach alone. Through her private coaching and international retreat, she creates a space where trust is rebuilt, communication deepens, and pleasure becomes a shared experience instead of a taboo topic.

Her mission is powerful. Her approach is grounded, and the results they’re life changing. So let’s lock in squad because today’s conversation is going to challenge you. It’s gonna expand you and maybe even make you rethink everything you thought about intimacy, partnership, e, courage that it actually takes to be seen.

And thank you so much for coming on Xanet. Please introduce yourself to the Time Sunday Podcast Varsity Squad. But first, what’s your favorite color and why?

Xanet Paitel: Oh my God. That’s easy. It’s pink purple as you can see.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): I like it. It’s royal. I love

Xanet Paitel: it. Why? It’s interesting, like when I put it on, it makes me smile.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Yeah.

Xanet Paitel: Like you have a color that you love and when I put this color on, I’m just like, oh yeah, this is me.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): This in your color wheel. Beautiful lady

Xanet Paitel: over there. Old, bold, vibrant. Yeah. Yeah.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): One thing I notice about you is you’re always just [00:04:00] rocking yourself. Whether it’s a singing another podcast or videos, it’s just like you’re so genuine, you’re like just you. And that is, that’s refreshing, right? A lot of people put on the mask out there and stuff like that. I don’t think there’s much of a mask to you because, you walked away from, again a 26 year sexless marriage. And I know it takes a lot to really just put that out there, yeah. Especially being a power woman, legally, in the legal world. What was the exact moment you knew you couldn’t keep living that version of yourself anymore?

Xanet Paitel: Great question. This is gonna sound crazy, but this is really the exact moment I knew I was at my, I guess that would’ve been my 25th anniversary dinner with my ex-husband in New York City just at the

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): anniversary dinner.

Yeah.

Xanet Paitel: In, in, in New York City. Sitting across from him at a restaurant. I exactly can’t remember the name, but I can see it in my head. And we were just having this like mundane. Conversation and then we had nothing to talk about, which is, was very common for us. And I just looked at inside of myself and I [00:05:00] was like, this is the last anniversary I’m ever gonna celebrate with him.

And that was really the moment where I made the decision I can’t keep on going like this. This isn’t working anymore.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): That had to have taken like. We said we were gonna talk about the anatomy. It was, and taking big balls to do that. If seriously, like you have a marriage of 25 years.

Xanet Paitel: Yeah.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): That’s a quarter century.

Xanet Paitel: I

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): know. That’s, that, that’s a like a milestone in most people. Neither one of my three marriages lasted more than five. If I, it’s ’cause I didn’t know you probably at the time, but seriously, what was like, were you. Afraid were you scared?

Were like, and how, like my squad loves to hear how you overcome that.

Xanet Paitel: Yeah,

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): I know. You leaned into it.

Xanet Paitel: Yeah. Of course I was afraid, like I knew I needed to leave this marriage seven years before I made the decision to leave this marriage.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Ah, seven years.

Xanet Paitel: I, it was a seven year commitment.

I had this seven year plan, once my kids get into high school. That was my plan. Oh, okay. But that got, but that actually got pushed back [00:06:00] until. Once my kids are both in college. Okay. Because it was terrifying, I’d never lived alone before, ever. I got married at 24, which is, graduated law school, got married the next week, like literally.

And I did not have. The confidence, I think, to be able to think that I could do this on my own, even though I was making six figures. I was just gonna say that. I was gonna say that. And we owned, we owned a co-op in the middle of

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): the Yeah, so I was figuring it wasn’t so much about the financial ’cause a lot of people won’t leave because of a financial issue, right?

Yeah. It was like there was some kind of emotional string and your children. Yeah. To make sure that they were built and stable.

Xanet Paitel: Yeah.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Do you think any of that kind of they, it bled through to them?

Xanet Paitel: It totally bled through to them. Really. The reason that this even that I even found the guts to have this conversation was my oldest son came home when summer for college and he just took me aside one day and he was like, mom.

He was [00:07:00] like, you’re not happy, like you and dad need to get divorced. Wow. And when you hear that from your children it’s pretty powerful. I’m like, oh shit.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Wow. From them,

Xanet Paitel: right from Yeah. From them. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): No, please go on. Please.

Xanet Paitel: Yeah, that sort of gave me permission, right?

The relationship was not great. We were great parents, great familial unit for sure. We raised two amazing children with

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): right,

Xanet Paitel: very strong values. And, but we didn’t have the emotional connection, the intimacy. We had no, like sexual relationship for my own stuff, it wasn’t like, I never blame it on my ex-husband.

I had my own issues around shame, trauma as a child and just disconnected from my body. And sex never felt good. I never had pleasure, I never had an orgasm, it was just easier just to stop. Which is what happens a lot with a lot of couples, right? Sure. There’s a disconnection, there’s a lot of drama around it.

So it’s easier just to stop without talking [00:08:00] about it, not having that deep emotional connection that I now know you’re supposed to have,

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): right.

Xanet Paitel: In a healthy marriage. But a lot of us just stay at this very like. Mid-level relationship where it’s a very surface relationship and it lacks the intimacy, and the emotional safety. And I think that was definitely part of, what it was. And I just took all my energy, I put it into my job. I was very successful. I started my own consulting firm and into my kids. And I was also, a Broadway producer on the side of Wow. Of musicals. ’cause that’s a whole nother,

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): that’s

Xanet Paitel: pretty awesome.

A whole nother chapter of my life. Wow. And and that and it seemed okay until it didn’t seem okay and then it felt really empty, especially as we were starting to become empty nesters because ah, kids take up all of that emotional energy.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): A hundred percent. Yeah.

Xanet Paitel: Very connected to my children.

I still am very connected to them, even though they’re in their very late thirties at this point. But but when [00:09:00] that’s when that left. It was just like, whoa, I’m feeling this emptiness, and I can’t keep on living my life like this. Like I, I literally looked at myself and said is this all there is to life?

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Wow.

Xanet Paitel: Yeah. I think there’s gotta be a lot more here,

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): so did you self-educate or did you go through someone’s program to help you out? Or how did that work?

Xanet Paitel: Oh, no, I I did not self-educate at all.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Okay. I was gonna say, that’d be pretty tough,

Xanet Paitel: yeah. If you did

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): people do it, but yeah,

Xanet Paitel: that, yeah.

Yeah. I didn’t self-educate. I was very scared around sex. Sex. It was just a super scary topic for me because there was nothing good about it for me. I got introduced by somebody. I was at that point, I had separated. We had separated. And I was dating somebody in New York who was, connected to the world of tantra and sacred sexuality.

Sure. He had just done a workshop and we were dating a little bit and he came back and he knew that I was having issues around sex. So we had a vulnerable enough open enough [00:10:00] relationship that we could have that conversation.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Sure.

Xanet Paitel: And he was like, I think this is gonna change your life.

I really wanted, I wanna really introduce you to this. And he really introduced me to that world which was. Game changing for me, and it’s not always the right door for everybody. Sure. For sure. But in the moment it was game changing for me because all of a sudden sex went from being performance based and goal oriented to oh, this is just about being in my body and experiencing sensations in my body with no goal and no expectation.

And learning how to breathe and feel energy in my body, which I had always known was there, but I didn’t know how to like, put my hands around it, sure. And so it was a very, it was a very powerful experience for me, and that opened the doorway to like, oh, maybe I’m not broken.

Because, when you’re not having sex and sex is painful you feel like you’re broken, right? There’s something wrong with you, just like if you’re. A [00:11:00] trauma survivor, which I was in a different way. You’re broken, there’s something wrong with you.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): That thank you for being vulnerable about that.

I know you have been in other podcasts and stuff, but just to be like, Hey, you know what, like you had somebody that you were vulnerable with, take you through and introduce you to that, which you’re a hundred percent right with. The experience of the feelings and the energy and what can be like, felt inside and then threw you to somebody else.

Like so many. Couples out there, they feel stuck or disconnected. But they also, like you said a little bit earlier, avoid the hard conversation. So what do you feel is the real reason people dodge the intimacy truth and what’s the first question they, you feel that they must ask each other to start reconnecting?

Xanet Paitel: Yeah. So it’s interesting that you say that. I think one of the things, and I’ve been really like working on this is we have different ways of connecting. We have different intimacy styles. And actually, I have a, an a gift for all of your [00:12:00] listeners to, to take a quiz to understand your intimacy style.

Because here’s the thing, it’s a great conversation starter. Like you take a quiz, you show it to your partner and you’re like, Hey, look at this.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): No, I like it.

Xanet Paitel: I love that. Yeah. I just took this three minute quiz and it looks like, my intimacy style is like heart and emotion. I’m super curious about what yours might be. Do you wanna take that quiz as well? So oh,

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): I like that. I like that.

Xanet Paitel: Yeah. Like having a conversation starter that feels. Safe, like you’re not blaming or shaming starts a couple to begin to look at that. Oh, what if we have like really different styles, what does that mean?

And of course, you’ll find out because I’m gonna give you all of those answers.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Yeah.

Xanet Paitel: But it’s helpful to start to understand, maybe this is why we’re disconnected a little bit. How do we, how do I look at, some of my way to what emotional intimacy looks. Like for me and what it looks like for you.

And start to learn how to talk to each other in that way. So it’s a, so I find that [00:13:00] to be a really good conversation starter for couples. And I love that idea.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): And I love that you put it up front to them. Be like, here listen. ’cause one of ’em is gonna be down for that quiz. If you said, just.

Just the way that you just said the presented I’m more of a curious, be like, yeah, I’m curious of what you would feel in this. And right there it starts the connection. Totally. The connection starts. You’ve led I know the numbers probably more, but over a hundred couple retreats, right?

Yes. So what do you feel is the biggest pattern that destroys intimacy? Fastest. And what’s the most powerful breakthrough you’ve ever witnessed that brought a couple back from the Edge

Xanet Paitel: oh, such a great question. Okay huh. The biggest pattern for people that I see, there are relationship patterns, there’s pursuer distance or relationships, right?

There’s like ways and we look at attachment styles, but I’m gonna, I’ll move away from that for a moment.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Okay.

Xanet Paitel: The biggest pattern that I really see. In couples is that there’s lack of emotional safety.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Ooh.

Xanet Paitel: So true. That enough has [00:14:00] happened in a marriage, over time where resentments have been built up and there hasn’t been repair, and then all of the sudden it doesn’t really feel safe to express yourself authentically and vulnerable vulnerably.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Wow.

Xanet Paitel: And that is the un to me, Scott. Let’s talk about intimacy. Let’s break that word down into me C. That’s how I think about intimacy. I allow you to see into me to see my pain, to see my joy, to see, wow, my, all the shit that I bring into the relationship, my wounds.

And that, that vulnerability is what creates connection with an your with your person,

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): right?

Xanet Paitel: You wanna really, you wanna know them. You wanna feel seen and heard and understood. And so many times couples sit here on my couch and I always point over here on my couch and they’re like, she doesn’t get me.

I don’t feel understood. I don’t feel seen. [00:15:00] This is such a huge issue. And then sex becomes performative because in order to have a great sexual relationship. You need to be super vulnerable,

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): right?

Xanet Paitel: When you don’t feel safe, you either are afraid that sex is gonna be weaponized against you, which happens a lot.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Sure.

Xanet Paitel: Right?

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): A hundred percent.

Xanet Paitel: Yes. And you can’t totally open yourself up to all of the crazy things that happened during sex, some of which are embarrassing. Some of which are amazing. But you’ve gotta be able to have an open heart and be vulnerable for that to happen.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Yeah. And enjoy even the embarrassing times.

Xanet Paitel: Enjoy even the embarrassing times. Yeah. Just laugh at it, right? Yeah. You giggle together or something, right? That’s the best.

Exactly.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): When you’re working with a couple, they’re on your couch that you wanted to,

Xanet Paitel: or

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): on the

Xanet Paitel: floor mostly

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): on the floor. But you. When you’re like going back and forth and maybe you’re even starting to discovery kinda session to make sure that like I use this term, the right horse for the course.

The right coach for them. Yeah. Is [00:16:00] there any good question that you wish they would ask you but never do?

Xanet Paitel: Wow.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): What should people ask you, to, before they get into the

Xanet Paitel: the question that they always ask me is, can you help? We’re gonna come here, we’re gonna spend four or five days with you, we’re gonna spend thousands of dollars with you, is this gonna make a difference? I think that’s a question that they should be asking. Is this gonna make a difference? What? What’s your track record?

Xanet?

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Yeah.

Xanet Paitel: And I can say that my track record is extraordinarily high. I have a 90% success rate with my couples.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): That is awesome.

Xanet Paitel: When they leave the retreat, because, number one, like I’m not a therapist, i’m a coach. You understand that, right?

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): No. So

Xanet Paitel: I call it the way I see it.

Wow. Like I call people on their stuff in the kindest, most compassionate, way. But if stuff comes up, I call it number two, I can intervene in the moment because a hundred percent they’re gonna get into their [00:17:00] thing, whatever their pattern is, whatever it is, it’s gonna show up within the first.

Hour or two,

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): yeah.

Xanet Paitel: Of our session. And then we have the opportunity to name it, which is, how do you stop our pattern? You name it. You start to acknowledge, oh yeah, we’re in our pattern. And then maybe we don’t, we can’t change the behavior right away, but at least we can say, oh shoot, here we are.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): She’s noticing it.

Xanet Paitel: We’re doing it again. That itself interrupts the behavior as well. I love it. So I think that’s a really important piece. Plus, my work is very different than most therapists. And even in mo most coaches, because, here’s my maxim.

You can’t talk your way into better intimacy and sex. You have to feel your way into it. Feel

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): it. Yes.

Xanet Paitel: Feel it. So my work is experiential, it’s interactive, it’s sematic. Couples need to sit. I love what you said in the beginning, Scott, about the discomfort. Couples need to sit in the discomfort of having to look at [00:18:00] each other.

And feel, because that’s a very vulnerable thing to do. Yes. And to have to feel that discomfort of the feeling of the disconnection of the tears that show up because they’re like the grief of the missing of the connection that they’ve had for all of these years and then beginning to learn, oh wow, we can allow, we can soften into this.

We can actually allow ourselves to start to feel connected again.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): I love it and I just feel like. Th there there’s a, like a tr I’d like to tell a story. O one squad. I love that she said that she’s not a therapist. And like I tell the story a lot, or the metaphor of, like my clients and I’m blessed to co-chair in Palm Beach.

I put ’em in their car and I say, you see this rear view mirror right here? It’s small for a reason. That’s your past, right? That I don’t have the alphabet after my name, so I can’t help you. That’s where therapy comes in. This big windshield, oh my gosh, where are we going? But since 2011 in every car, and now you can carry it in your [00:19:00] pocket, GPS and that’s what I am, is I help ’em.

GPS, they plug in where they want to go and get there. But one thing that you mentioned that I really resonated with was. There’s a kind of a trust and respect. If you and I were good friends and you had a significant other and you brought ’em over to my house, you knocked on the door and be like, I’d hop up, open the door, be like, Hey, Jana, hey Mr.

Come on in. Can I get you a glass of wine, a beer, a drink or something? But if I knew you. And you came over and knock on the door, who is it? It’s Shanae. It’s open. You come in, you like Ferg, you got drink and be like, you know where the fridge is, right? I trust you enough, but I don’t respect you to get off my ass.

And go and get the drink. You see a lot of that in relationships where there’s just so much years of trust that’s built that the respect has just been gone.

Xanet Paitel: Yes, and the trust leaves also, I think what happens, honestly is that we’d start taking people for granted.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Thank you. Yep.

Xanet Paitel: We, we all do that. Yes. Yes. We just, we have this assumption. I do it with my [00:20:00] partner. We have this assumption that he is been, taking care of the hot tub for all of these years.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): And

Xanet Paitel: he is gonna continue to take care of the hot tub. And I’m not gonna thank him for the fact that.

This has become his responsibility. To take care of the hot tub. And it’s a normal thing because you live with people and you begin to, you have, expectations of how something is going to go. I make couples spend some time, I think one of the most powerful exercises you asked, do I have breakthroughs?

I have breakthroughs every single session. I just have a couple that I just brought back from. I bring them back from the, the verge of separation all the time. But I have a couple that I just brought back from infidelity. Wow, that’s amazing.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): That’s

Xanet Paitel: amazing. Yeah, and that’s hard to do, but

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): a hundred percent.

Yeah, I was,

Xanet Paitel: they were really open to it and to getting the work. But I don’t know. I just lost my train.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Can I ask you, was it on

Xanet Paitel: the

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): lady or the man’s side?

Xanet Paitel: On his side.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Okay. And usually, I’ve been that guy, yeah. That is broken [00:21:00] trust. And like going back a little bit about like I have a rule.

That I stand very firm on this d the make every day like a first date. That’s how, for me, she doesn’t have to, but for me i’ve gotta do that. I open the door, it’s just it’s normal for me now. Even clients that like, I’m doing the thing with my, with their car, we go out to it, I open it.

It is just something that just is overcome me. It’s just, I just feel that so many people move away from that first date feeling.

Xanet Paitel: Yes.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): And then get comfortable. Yes. Do you see that a lot?

Xanet Paitel: I see it a lot and I see it a lot of complaints from women around that, a lot of complaints from women around that in the beginning he romanced me.

And now it’s Friday night. What do you wanna do? I don’t know. What do you wanna do? No, I want you. I don’t, I wanna stop having to make all the decisions, right? I want you to say, Hey, I’m gonna take you out. We’re gonna go to this restaurant, then we’re gonna go to the club and go dancing.

Whatever it is, right? I feel like [00:22:00] that is an ongoing conflict that comes up in relationship. But what’s the underlying. Cause of that, the underlying cause of that is that I’m feeling like I’m not a priority for you.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Like

Xanet Paitel: it, right?

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Yes.

Xanet Paitel: Hundred percent. And I’m feeling sad and I’m feeling a little bit, angry and hurt that you, I’m not enough priority for you to take some time to do something special for me when I’m feel like I’m doing things special for you.

So that’s a very common conflict that happens in with our couples.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Hundred percent. Yeah. Mean I could talk to you for hours, but I gotta get into a couple questions I wanting to ask you. Okay. Have you seen the movie Back to the Future?

Xanet Paitel: Yes.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): It’s 40 years old, right? Yes.

Now, so

Xanet Paitel: with, what’s his name?

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Michael J. Fox.

Xanet Paitel: Michael. J. Fox. Yeah.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Let’s get in that Delore with Marty McFly. Let’s go back to the double deuce, the 22-year-old Xanet.

Xanet Paitel: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): What knowledge nuggets would you drop on her? Not to change anything, but to maybe help her shirt a [00:23:00] learning curve.

And you can choose life, you could choose academics, you could choose relationship, but what would you do or say to her now? Again, not to change much, right? Yeah. But to maybe help her blast through a little quicker.

Xanet Paitel: If I’m thinking about my 22-year-old or 24-year-old I think what I would say is trust your instincts.

Do not distrust your instincts because they really can help guide you very sharply in the right direction.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Love it.

Xanet Paitel: And. I would say to 22 year olds old now, don’t get married early, just don’t do it. Give yourself time. Have a lot of different relationships. Learn all of the different ways in which you show up in a relationship.

Love, because love, every time your in a relationship and you leave, there’s a lesson for you right there. Yes. I

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): love that you say that. Yeah. ‘Cause I was, it was 1990, I graduated high school and it was like. I married my high school sweetheart ’cause I was in Iraq all the time. I was taking off and she was like, [00:24:00] yeah, the only way her father would let her move out to San Diego with me was, to, to the naval base is if we got married.

And we and her luckily are still best friends. You know what I’m saying? Yes. Like she’s the first girl I ever saw naked. ’cause her mom used to bathe us when we were kids and we’ve known each other like forever. So it’s with that I love that you said that like the, to have. Not run through chicks or run through dudes, but like really enjoy the experience.

Definitely in those moments with them. ’cause like you said, there’s a lesson, so how do you want your dash remembered that little, ’cause you’re doing a lot of things that are just awesome. That is so unique, that’s why I could not wait for this interview. But how do you want your dash to remember that little line in between your incarnation date and your expiration date, your life date?

Oh my

Xanet Paitel: god.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): How does, do they wanna dash remembered?

Xanet Paitel: Never heard that question before. Okay. You’re on time

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): to shine today. Let’s go.

Xanet Paitel: Okay, great. Okay. I wanna remembered as she’s somebody who was deeply passionate about helping couples. Learn how to reconnect [00:25:00] and really be truly intimate PA power partners.

Love it. That’s what I want to be remembered for. Yeah. And that’s why, I wrote a, I’ve been writing books, so that, yeah. Like when I’m not here anymore, maybe those books will still be in existence and that message will continue.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): I think your vocation spills over to every other part of your life, though.

Xanet Paitel: It

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): does. I could just say as a friendship with you, I could see us just, wrapping over a glass of wine, just about stuff in like client, interactions and stuff like that. You’re just that person, right? Like when I met you today, I was like I’ve known this chick for a long time. That’s the way I felt like, it’s like you don’t know how it’s gonna come.

Especially, you know about the intimacy stuff, the, you know what we’re talking about. So it’s unique. So then what is your definition of a life well lived?

Xanet Paitel: I think about that. If I’m on my deathbed, this is a question I ask my clients a lot. You probably do too, yeah,

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): I do.

Xanet Paitel: When they’re on the verge of about to kill each other, I’m like, okay, so let’s just, let’s assume, you’re [00:26:00] five days away from dying, right? And then you’re four days and three days and two days in one day, who do we see with you in that moment? And it’s very telling who that person is.

And that often brings them back from the brink of, collapse. Yeah. But so when I think about that, I think about a life well lived as a life with a lot of love. A life with, a special person or special persons in your life. I luckily have one. I found a special person took a while.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Me too. Me

Xanet Paitel: too. So I was I was 62 years old until I found that special person. Yeah. But I found them, a family is incredibly important to me. My children, I have five grandchildren who I adore. That’s awesome. So a life full of is a life with beautiful connections, beautiful relationships a lot of peace and serenity and doing something important to change the world.

And I, I do feel for me. That’s not everybody’s definition, but for me, no, it’s your definition. A life well lived is doing something important to [00:27:00] change the world. And I feel like for the past 15 years I have been doing work and will continue to do.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): You are, you were changing

Xanet Paitel: lives. That’s changing lives.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): I look at Susan and I was, I’m 53 now and I met her when I was 47 and she’s 54, so she’s 60. I’m 53 now. And it took us, it took me that long to understand what it was about. Also when I moved to. South Florida. It’s like kid in a candy store, like with women. And I said, if you’re over 35, you’re too young or too old.

For me, it was like that. And then we got set up by mutual friends and it was just like, don’t get me wrong, man. We go through valleys and peaks and stuff like that. We got it. But, and she has kids ranging from 40 down to, 30. So it’s it’s but. She’s my best friend. My best lover.

And it’s it’s pretty awesome because God, my creator gave me her in the time that it was Right. And it took you to 62 to find it. So squat if you’re listening, like you never ever give up hope on that stuff.

. Hey, time to Shine Today. Podcast First Squad. We are back and. When I, maybe [00:28:00] I’ll see you next time Susan and I come up to, Asheville or something like that. Like we go to the vortex, maybe you sit down, have a nice cup of coffee or something.

Xanet Paitel: Yeah.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): And maybe

Xanet Paitel: you guys can come to one of my retreats.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): You know what? That I’m not gonna talk to her. I’m gonna definitely have her listen to this. Okay. She does listen to every show. I told her that I was having this conversation with you today. She’s Ooh, she’s ah, so I was like, that’s cool, but like some of these questions, you and I might.

Spend 10, 15 minutes on, but

Xanet Paitel: okay.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Today you got five seconds. Oh, Lord. With no explanation. So you gotta put that legal eagle hat on, ready to fire back answers. But they can all be answered that way. Love. Okay.

Xanet Paitel: Okay.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Ready to level up?

Xanet Paitel: I’ll try.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Okay. Okay. What’s the best leveling up advice you’ve ever received?

Xanet Paitel: Love what?

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Leveling up advice.

Xanet Paitel: Oh, best leveling up advice. Trust your instincts.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Love it. Share one of your personal habits that contributes to your success.

Xanet Paitel: I do a nervous system, reset meditation every day.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Yes. And so you see me walking around, you’re like, man, [00:29:00] Fergie looks like he’s in his doldrums A little bit like is there any book that you’ve read that you might hand me and say, read this.

It might shift the way you’re thinking.

Xanet Paitel: I’m looking around.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): I know, I’m like that. So I have,

Xanet Paitel: oh, I dunno. Read my book.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Yeah, there you go. I love it. I love it. So your most commonly used emoji, if any, when you text.

Xanet Paitel: Yeah, I, I use what is it? A Smiley with sunglasses.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Yay. Awesome. Nicknames growing up,

Xanet Paitel: never had one.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Oh, okay. How about any hidden talent and or superpower that nobody knows about until now?

Xanet Paitel: I don’t know if it’s the hidden talent and superpower, but I, I was a Broadway producer, so that’s awesome.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Very cool.

Xanet Paitel: Something

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): very cool. Chess checkers a monopoly.

Xanet Paitel: Monopoly.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Okay. Headline for your life.

Xanet Paitel: Oh, she lived life Her way.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Love it. Little Frankie Sinatra in there too. Love it. Go to ice cream flavor. [00:30:00]

Xanet Paitel: Oh pistachio.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Love it. One intimacy myth. You wish every couple would delete forever.

Xanet Paitel: Oh, that everybody has to have an orgasm at the same time.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): My gosh, that is the best answer ever. Beautiful.

Favorite charity and or organization you like to give your time and or money to?

Xanet Paitel: Beloved Asheville.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Okay, awesome. Last question, you can elaborate on this one a little bit, but what’s the best decade of music? Sixties, seventies, eighties, or nineties?

Xanet Paitel: I think because I grew up in the sixties, it had to be the sixties.

Those

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): sixties are awesome. I love it. Yeah.

Xanet Paitel: I’m a big fan of the sixties.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): I’m a product of the eighties, graduated in 90. Yeah. And there was so much that happened in that decade and decade of decadence and, all these stuff. But when I’m listening in, like when I re-listened to this and I build the final show notes and get ready to pull it out, I listened to sixties or seventies.

’cause there’s stories told in that. Yes. It just puts my mind in a, a shifting creative ’cause I don’t have a creative brain at all. Like the, sometimes I do, but just in, in stuff like this. So it’s I’m glad that you said the sixties, you stayed close to your [00:31:00] roots.

Xanet Paitel: Totally. So

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): how can we find you?

Xanet Paitel: You can go to this website, how to Improve My Love life.com.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Okay?

Xanet Paitel: How to improve my love life.com. There you’re gonna find the free gift that I told you about.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Yep.

Xanet Paitel: Which is the intimacy equation quiz. And from there you will get an email or two from me with information on how to connect with me, set up a call with me by one of my books.

Get a get a list.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Th this, we will take ’em to this website if you’re watching a Vimeo or YouTube squad. Is this the website It will take you to,

Xanet Paitel: it is gonna take you to that, yes.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Okay, great.

Xanet Paitel: Although it’s gonna have a quiz.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Okay. Yeah, that’s right. And squad, listen what she just said, it’s gonna be flipped.

The script’s gonna be flipped. She’s gonna send it to me when it’s set up, and I’ll make sure that it’s put in the show notes and highlighted. And then your site here is Passionate Intimacy retreats as well, so that is true. They can book calls with you. Yep. And see that and also your book that you have already out I believe it was written in 2019.

Yep. It was. Yeah. [00:32:00] Living an Orgasmic Life, heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure and Yep. Tell us a little bit about what went into that book. I know it’s six years old, but I know you kill it with this book, so you get a lot.

Xanet Paitel: Yeah. So this book talk about being vulnerable and authentic.

This book is a book about my own personal journey of sexual healing and sexual awakening. So I talk a lot about my. My marriage and really about my journey about all of the different programs, but it’s also incorporates a lot of client case studies. Through the years. So the first half of the book is about all of the blocks.

To, into really sexuality.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Sure.

Xanet Paitel: And the second half of the book are like ways to be able to start to connect with your body, connect with your sexuality. It’s written for women, but a lot of men have read it.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Love it. I love it. And squad. I am going to do a two book giveaway to the first one that puts.

Intimacy in any of our, I don’t care if it’s [00:33:00] Pinterest, any of social, you can text it to 5 6 1 4 4 0 3 8 3 0. Actually, intimacy fix, I’m just gonna say intimacy fix. Put that in. I’ll on time to shine today’s dime. I’ll mail out a copy to you and also Ms. I gotta remember that Sex and Intimacy repair kit, that’s the new book that’s coming out, right?

Okay.

Xanet Paitel: Yes. It’s pre-order for it. I’m not gonna let you show the cover because it’s not the right cover.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): That’s fine. No, but it’s coming though. We are, we expecting

Xanet Paitel: it. It’s March 4th. It will be published. It’s al You can already pre-order it on Amazon. Really? Okay. Yes. If you don’t have the link yet, because I’m going with a publisher, so if you don’t have the link Scott I’ll make sure my va

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): my team will get it from me.

I promise I have it written down here in the for sure notes.

Xanet Paitel: Yep.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Excellent. So if you could, this is just been eyeopening. I wish we had an hour but like I

Xanet Paitel: can come back.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): I know. We’ll, I think we might have you back but. LA Last thing like, and be quick with this one for me please. Just ’cause we have to be respectful of the time, but can couples that are not broken still come to [00:34:00] you and find enlightenment?

Meaning?

Xanet Paitel: Yes, a hundred percent. You know what I offer is like a laboratory here, okay? You get to explore different aspects of your sexuality, of your intimacy. Do you wanna focus on the sensual? Do you wanna focus on energetic and tan? And I do have couples who just really wanna expand the smorgasbord of possibilities.

But that you

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): said smorgasbord. That’s awesome.

Xanet Paitel: Yeah. But that’s also a great place if you’re interested in that, to go to one of my international retreats, because we really do that at a very deep level.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Gotcha. And Johnny, we just talked about, flip it into the actual interview itself to the end. Okay, awesome.

Again, we’re editing all this.

Xanet Paitel: Oh, okay.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): Perfect. Yeah. And so squad. We had just got like a free masterclass on the intimacy side and how couples can that feel broken, can come back together. My, my good friend here, she had a mundane life. Nothing to talk about. She knew at her 25th anniversary, it’s probably gonna be her last anniversary.

She, but she also had that seven year commitment to stay in [00:35:00] that, time for her kids because she’s selfless, right? Which is, that’s a. But the biggest thing that I really heard was she took responsibility and responsibility is nothing more than the ability to respond. She responded to her situation.

She probably used some of her legalese to really dig di dive deep into, how that she can use D turn the corner in her life. In the intimacy side, she had somebody that she could be vulnerable with and he really turned her onto something and she took that and ran and now she is. A highly sought after intimacy coach, right?

And she reminded us that intimacy is allow you to see into me. Never heard it that way. Absolutely love it. 90% of success rate is done by a coach. A therapist can’t really see deeply in ’cause a coach most of the time. Their superpower is curiosity. They’re gonna get down to the deep of it.

They’re not gonna consult you and tell you, ’cause I can just imagine me consulting on something [00:36:00] like sex or something, and then they come back and be like, Fergie, that was not right. Like she’s going to pull out what’s gonna work for you. She wants you to remember that your intuition is huge.

Feel your way into. Better connections. Don’t talk your way. Feel your way. Trust those instincts that you have. And she will be remembered as someone that is deeply passionate about helping couples reconnect and truly be intimate with each other. She’s planting trees. She’s never gonna sit in the shade of, and I’d also notice another thing.

She does everything for the intention, not the attention. She’s not ah, look at me, I’m a sex coach. No, she is actually cares and leans into. What you want on. And that’s the kind of people we’d like to surround ourselves with here at Time to Shine today. And she will also be remembered as someone that was, again, highly sought after, had beautiful connections, a sur ceramic life, and someone that, again, I’m blessed to be now friends with you, level up your health.

You level up your wealth. You’re absolutely stunning. You’ve earned your varsity letter here at Time to Shine Today. Thank you so much for coming on. Absolutely love your guts, and I cannot wait to meet you. In person. [00:37:00] Person.

Xanet Paitel: Awesome. Thank you so much for having me.

L. Scott Ferguson (Coach Fergie): We’ll chat soon. Bye now.Xanet Paitel: Bye.

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