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Speech Transcript

0:00  

Ben Cohen, military veteran dad and if you really want to learn to level up your life, you should be listening to the time to shine podcast with my good friend Scott for time to shine today podcast squad is Scott Ferguson. Welcome to Episode 139 with my good buddy Marine, Ben kaloi from military veterans dad. You know what Ben is a fellow veteran of mine, but he realizes that friendships are key to getting over a lot of humps, he dropped so many solid knowledge nuggets, talking about bringing what’s in your shadow out into light, understand how important your voices to be heard in also that the world is waiting for you to go first. So take action, inch by inch, it’s a cinch. If you want a great introduction for somebody to help you do that. I will probably make that to my good friend Ben. So without further ado, sit back relax, break out your notebooks because here comes my friend Ben kaloi from military veteran dad

1:10  

Hey, time to shine today varsity squad into Scott Ferguson. And I’ve got my leather neck here from the Marines are like they like to call themselves the men’s Department of the Navy. Another he’s a fired up individual. Somebody you know, His story is amazing. I can’t wait to get to it. But like I said, my good friend Ben kaloi here is a US Marine veteran, he turned blogger, life coach speaker and he has a rockin podcast as well, whose mission is to bring military veterans dads home to their families. it resides in Janesville, Wisconsin, she said, but with his wife and three beautiful kids. And it’s funny that I’ve read through his profile guys. And the big thing that kind of stood out to me is I probably was in the military a lot before him because as in from 90 to 96. But you know, there’s separation that you go through like a little like two day class, and they don’t really get you ready for the civilian life. And what Ben is does the takes those veteran dads, and kind of like kind of molds them in and helps them level up. And I’m so excited to dig in here. Because when he tells a story, you’re going to know exactly what I’m talking about. So Ben, without further ado, if you can, I’m going to have you come on and introduce yourself the time to shine to the varsity squad. But first what is your favorite color and why? My favorite colors kind of biased based on where I worked and whatever branded colors I had. So a while I worked at a company that were their color was orange, I just always let go from a company This color is red. And I would say those two colors really got into my mind. But always growing up it was always blue, blue. Okay, favorite color.

2:49  

Love it.

2:50  

Love it. Love it, even though I was in military, green, blue is still always my favorite color. Awesome. Awesome. Yeah, you got like I said, everybody, he is just a stellar story. And I’m just going to let him go. And if you can kind of give us the origins of maybe getting out of the Corps, and then how you move forward, and now you’re helping others level up.

3:08  

So my story actually turned out a little bit different in the beat before I’m going to go before the joining the Corps. So I was two weeks away from joining the Air Force, because I wanted computers and I wanted the easy way. And I thought Marines were just bunch of grunts that shot stuff up. So I really didn’t even spend much time looking at the other ones because I was only going for computers and I wasn’t looking for the military. I was looking for the education. Well, the marine recruiter is at our church picnic that year. And that day changed my life because my mom was worried that I wasn’t exploring all my options. So she goes over and talks to my recruiter first. And then I come over and then quickly after talking to him, turns out Marines have everything that the Air Force has. Next thing you know, I’m talking to him and the guidance counselor’s office that next week and two weeks later and raise my right hand for the Marine Corps, which I would say was the scariest thing that I’ve ever done, because that would have been voted least likely to join the Marine Corps. I wasn’t fit, I couldn’t do a pull up. I couldn’t run. And for me, it was kind of like, I need to choose a hard path. I didn’t really know that at the time. I think I probably did it because I was too afraid to tell them no back then. But honestly, looking back like it was like the hardest path that I could have taken. And I had never really had a hard path I grew up on a farm. So I know what hard work was. But I didn’t really have like a hard path where I needed to like fall down multiple times, I would say that I had a fairly easy path growing up. But for that hard path that really set me on this idea to go in the Marine Corps to really just kind of peel back me boot camp was a hard emotional, I wasn’t a person that was emotionally tough. I didn’t have resilience. And so I remember there were there’s times in boot camp that I broke down and cried. And just throughout the time I did most of my time in Okinawa I did three years over there just got kind of a big view of how the world works, where I could fit into it. I got out with the simple idea that I knew I was meant for something bigger, but I had no idea what that was. And I just knew that the Marine Corps was going to hold me back because they couldn’t shoot and I couldn’t run and those were things that needed to get ahead. And so I felt like I was a good marine but I was In a good Marine, the way the Marine Corps measured me by so I got out. But then the problem was, what you were talking about taps is the tax code teaches you how to get a job and land that job. But it does not teach happiness, it sells happiness, but it doesn’t actually sell the product that actually delivers the result. And for me, I got lost in this idea of becoming a civilian and losing a part of myself, that I had really forgotten the different things in the Marine Corps, it taught me that I really fell in love with like leadership and helping people and individuals and Marines become something better, like a lot of Marines get labeled that as a bag of ass, and a ship bag, and they just get written off. I love taking those Marines and helping pull out the marine the day in themselves couldn’t even see like they had identified with this label of being a shitbag. And they were just gonna live with it. And it was, I took it upon myself to really pull out that marine and identify like, those core qualities. And that’s what leadership is, but I forgot about that for almost 10 years. So part of the tax code was I got a job, I got a I was going to college was going to let your engineering because that’s what they told you you need to do. You need to get a degree you got this GI bill as part of what you should do you when it’s part of the package. But I ended up failing, I ended up dropping out it wasn’t good at calculus, I love electricity didn’t make me good at it and my grass dried up because that was like 2013 is when I dropped out and I got out in 2007. Okay, that was my life was going to get better if I can just get this degree, everything will be better. Or that was a lie. I told myself. So when that went away, like man, what am I going to do? And so it was six months kind of just lost in the desert a little bit then I just had my daughter was just born that same year. And I remember looking at her face, and I’m like, what kind of father Am I going to be without this degree or even knowing where I’m going to be? Or how do I provide if I don’t have a path. And it was a simple seminar that was just making the transition from staff to supervisor supervisor that opened my world up to this leadership idea. And so then I just went all in, I got I got introduced names like Zig Ziglar. And he I got hooked on his stuff. And then once you start pulling back the veil, then you start all these different things, I found Dave Ramsey, all these all the self help that’s out there. But I had no idea of any of this existed until that seminar, that seminars like lit a fire of leadership that probably took me still another five, six years to unpack, and understand who I was and understand what really brings Benkler to the table. And it wasn’t until 2008 that I went to a seminar for military influencers. And I told my story about trying to do something with the veteran dad life coach or veteran dad podcast, it was really half baked. And I honestly didn’t believe it myself either. But I told her my story. And she started crying because her husband came home from war, but mentally didn’t come home from war. And it hit her square in the chest that she had been fighting to save her husband. But yet he’s still not coming home. And her kids are at stake here essentially make everything in the family is at stake when a dad doesn’t come home. And so that validated my story, my voice. And three months later, I launched military veteran dad podcasts in January 1 2019. Now we’re over a year and a half into it over 90 episodes. And I’m loving every minute of it. Because the more I dive into it, the more This mission is needed, the more that my voice is needed. And I understand what’s something that a lot of veterans and let’s be honest, a lot of people don’t understand is the power of their voice that I podcasted for the whole year with doing just interview shows, and having a full time job. And what I realized I did some solos last fall, and I realized that like I have more to say than I have airtime to say it and I liked it. No listeners were liking me like I asked one of the guys one time, what do you want more, more, do more. And he’s like, I wish you would talk more. And I was like, Okay, well that’s okay, nice. I wasn’t expecting, right. So I kind of just flirted with it. And I was like, I really liked it. So I started a solo show and in January called fatherhood Friday, and that’s just me on the microphone and just bring in my voice and my value. And that in itself has allowed me to gain more confidence. Even COVID. So like this year has been super crazy because my story like you think it’s great up to that point. Like it changed everything on January 27. I went into work like normal day, and banana clock I found out my position at work was being eliminated. So my world guy rocked even before COVID rocked it. And so February 14 was my last day in the office. And from that point, I knew that I wanted to be a stay at home dad that’s kind of like my thing. My kids are eight, seven or eight, five and three right now eight, five and four. And I just want to be dad right now and I want a business that allows me to do that. So I went all in I’m going I was going into professional public speaking, then Cote COVID hit so then it kind of twirled up again. But then I decided to pull back a little bit and focus on my health weight was always something I struggled with. And there has been a social media challenge by Andy for Sela from the real with a podcast 75 hard and I was like this is as easy as life is going to get during quarantine so I started 75 hard. The version you’re seeing here in the video is not the version that would have been here six months ago. I’ve read a video of myself looking back, I’m like, Who was that guy like, I didn’t have a beard, I’ve never had a beard in my life. I’ve lost 25 pounds, like, so now I’m like, even more alive as I step into my voice and my passion and more of me is able to come to the surface. And like, it’s been a wild ride. And this year has been even crazier, because even before I lost my job, my 2020 word was belief. And that word is rooted in that I was searching for so long for five years during my self help journey for the answer the podcast, the book that was going to open up or change everything. Sure. But what I realized this year, more than any other year are in myself, is the only thing that I was missing was the single belief that I had everything inside to do everything I’ve ever wanted. I myself needed to believe that I was capable of doing it.

10:49  

Love it. So let me ask you something with you getting kind of let go from your position or whatnot. How did your family with your wife? Mainly, how did it How did she take it on that you were going to be the domestic engineer? Because a lot of times a woman is the double domestic engineer of the family. How does she take that out along with her support with you started military veterans? So it’s been kind of one where she kind of didn’t understand it, like for the podcast, as we understand it, but it was something that she was okay. Supporting and different things. Sure. And she’s a schoolteacher. So she we still have some income. And she’s a kindergarten teacher. So she was never a stay at home mom. So it wasn’t like I was intruding on some space. And we’re trying to divide. Right, right. So he’s always had that. So we had some cushion. We have benefits through that. But I would say there’s a lot of fear with what she when I brought this idea to her and through COVID, it was covered kind of came in like solidified, and made it easier because of not having a job, the jobs kind of going away, kind of just forced us to be together more. And Jill allowed me to work on the podcast more. But I would say there’s definitely fear and it wasn’t easy. And there was definitely hard days. I remember when I first came home and told her, like she asked me four times because she thought I was joking. And those first few weeks like it was a very difficult feeling for her to process because I had that job for eight years. And it was always a constant. And it was just something she kind of got in her head that was always there. And then poof, just like for me, it was gone. Right. But I had been kind of emotionally preparing for it because I wanted to leave that job. Yeah, you want to get into writing steady there. And like it just being something she can expect and understand. But I would say through probably the six months, it’s been a healing process for both of us to heal and grow and get acceptance to it. Like, grow. I would say even for me like the idea of when I do have different job interviews that I’ve played with, like in the early months, like I had huge anxiety related to it, because I was like, I never want to feel stuck like that ever. Exactly. I just I feel like I was going back to jail if I had to get a job right. And I’ve kind of healed from that process. Because like eight years is your life is a long time just in Buda. And after your fingers are moved for no other reason, then you’re they don’t need you anymore. Like it’s a hard emotion to process and one veterans don’t process emotions already very right. I’m an emotional guy. So I feel like I got a leg up on that part. But it’s still difficult because you still have to dive into hard thoughts, hard truth, hard realities, and face them head on. And it’s those emotions that we don’t face as veterans, that one prevent us from coming home to our family. It’s the ego that says you have it all together that’s going to prevent you from coming home like these are all things you got to turn off in order to fully Sure. So with what you’re fed up with that what is your secret sauce than to help these veterans as they come home and starting to transition up and find that blind spot and help them turn that corner? Well, I was actually I was telling you before we hit record that I was talking to a dad this morning. And for him we were I was talking in the basic, given some of the content that I have in friends is one of the major things that transformed my life. So when I was 13, my midlife crisis was dying alone that when I reached the end of my life, no one was going to care whether Ben co existed or not. So for me, I started with talking with dead the park and those friends that I started creating that ability to talk to people really helped get me to where I am today. You started those conversations. I started listening to that. Yeah, I started with those conversations. I had to lead with that. And he was talking about a friend that he has, but he always feels awkward when he’s talking to him. And I’m like, does he make it awkward? Or do you make it awkward? He’s like, I make it awkward. Because I’m always rambling. I’m always I’m like, you’re rambling because you’re hiding something, right?

14:32  

You’re hiding some darkness that you’ve he was shared a lot with me in that moment. But he hadn’t actually shared what’s really in the darkness. And I like to describe ego as a protection mechanism as a kind of like a survival mechanism that your brain uses it as a way to protect what you want to be stay hidden. So if you think of your brain and your as if you’re in a conversation, and what you’re talking about is in the light, and there’s something in the darkness and you have to rotate your mind back and forth constantly to make sure that light never touching that darkness. Sure. And if that darkness though, that is your ego, that you create stories, you create energy, you create all this false narrative to protect what’s in the shadows, right. But when you bring within the shadows into the light, that’s when you truly feel free. So a lot of it is unpacking truly within the shadows. And it’s the ego is one of the very first mechanisms that a veteran or it really anybody has to turn off. Because if you until you turn it off, you’re always going to try to hide was there. And the crazy part that you don’t realize in the standard way society advertises itself as this is how life works is you think you’re going to die if you reveal within that shadows, right, but the opposite happens when you reveal what’s in the shadows, you actually become magnetic and Grove. And because you grow in an exponential way, it’s like a nuke, because that magnet just gets so strong, that vulnerability, the connection with another guy when you both share something really vulnerable, that you don’t necessarily expect to say that in itself is what creates a connection that allows you to feel that connected to society, or connected to someone else connected to your wife connected to your kids. But as long as you hold that darkness back, you are always going to feel disconnected. And getting to feel connected by a former military veteran dad to the voice that correct? Yeah, really have the voice to understand it. And just the feeling that they’re not alone, like, Fuck, that’s the one thing like every episode I have, I always tell the guest, our only objective is for you to share something vulnerable, that cancels out the echo inside their head, that there are alone. And that’s the biggest thing is it’s an echo chamber. And until you let these thoughts out, they just get louder and louder. And they always cut the end result in the worst case is that your life is better, your family is better without you and I should just take my own life like it always comes to that conclusion. Do you explain to them that there’s going to be a process because I coach, you know, you know, quite a few people one on one and I have a big grouping coach that I’m blessed for. Do you explain that it’s a process to this inch by inch, it’s a cinch by the artists are a lot of people, especially being a veteran, or even like myself, we try to bite off a lot and expect that, you know, because in the military boom, you’re expected to do something to change is supposed to happen then in there, right? So did you explain to them there’s a process to this and to be patient with it. I explained there’s a process and I explained patience is one of them. And even in my life is the same like I wasn’t like this overnight, and every part of it is just been peeling back the onion in a different way. And for me growing. But I think what a lot of veterans, like it’s kind of like the Motrin analogy, where in the military anything’s wrong with you take motor and water and just makes you better. Like that’s what you’re so right, right. And they expect some of the same thing where even when you go to the VA, I think a lot of people think if they go to the VA to get help, like, there’s just gonna be this pill and they don’t know what they have isn’t a pill and they can’t fix it. But it’s that process of talking. And I explained that it’s, ultimately what you need to have is that idea of what matters. And to a dad, I always try to really like the one thing they don’t fully see. And it’s kind of like the thing, if I can get them to see this, then they can get the energy to get to where they need to go, is they realize that the one thing that matters the most is their family. And there’s also one kind of idea that when veterans transition, we never switch from a legacy of what our service meant, right? To a legacy of why our family fucking matters. Absolutely, that if you’re if you lost a friend and I rack, I always tell dads that he died. So you go home and be the best fuckup there’s a man like if you’re, what would you like? What would he tell you? If you were feeling sorry for yourself? For now, he would probably get off your ass and go hug your kids. I can Yeah, my kids never get to feel their father’s love again. And you do, right. You need to live your life in a way and with the gift that I gave you. And just getting them to understand the presence that your family can bring you. Ups and process I think is where I start where it’s about understanding the value right there in your family. Because everything feels from your family, not like you don’t create something on the side to feel your family. Sure. Because I guess idea that if I just worked my ass off, my family will be happy.

19:10  

drudgery. work that way. Good. So have you seen the movie Back to the Future? With Marty McFly? Okay, yep, so we’re gonna get our DeLorean you’re gonna you’re gonna ride back to the 18 year old Ben cloi look at a Knowledge Nugget. So you drop it on that Ben to maybe help him level up with what your knowledge is now. Okay. In your wisdom is now what kind of knowledge nuggets would you drop on him to help him shorter shorten his learning curve, you know, maybe level up a little quicker. That’s easy. And it’s summed up into kind of a Khoisan, which are kind of my weird truths to the to the way I live my life. And there’s one instant turret that evolves to all the different things whether you’ve got a problem as a veteran, whether you’ve got PTSD doesn’t matter. What is the amount of people that you talk to daily and strangers that you talk to daily is directly proportional to the amount of opportunity you have in your life. So a lot of people have no opportunity, they feel stuck, they don’t know where to do next. They don’t feel like they can get a job. They don’t know what they want to do with their life. But the amount of people you talk to daily is directly proportional to the amount of opportunity in those conversations. You get reflected back value in yourself. But then you also get exposed to such a new opportunity. That’s why people love podcasts. There’s so much new world that people get exposed to listen to podcasts. Imagine if you were doing that an intimate conversation, and you met someone that can actually take you with you. I love that so and you never can do that if you don’t actually start talking and I wish I started talking to strangers so much early, probably getting your asking gear here always asking always meeting new people. So we talked about the dash here, I want to know how you want your dash remember that little that little line in between your life date and expiration date? How do you want your legacy statement? How do you want your epitaph? How do you want that dash? Remember, Ben, I want that dash remembered in a way that says that people remembered me for I gave a shit. And I was there when others weren’t. Because that’s often like, I’m pulled into a conversation. And there’s something I wrote in a blog post, I wrote a letter to myself to why I was worth living about three or four years ago. And in it I wrote early in life, people push you down so that later in life, you could pull people up of it. And that gave me so much purpose. And so that’s kind of how my mantra is, I’m always out there trying to pull people up because I was there. I know what that’s like. So what is, is there when you start meeting with people and people that you coach? Is there any good question that you wish they would ask you, but never do? There’s been a question that I’ve been leading with and it’s been giving interesting results is what’s the last thing you expected to share with me today in this conversation, okay, skipping the fanciness or fixing any of the questions that try to pull to it, like go to the root of like, What’s the last thing that you expected to share with another random man today? Because that’s usually the route whatever they’re feeling and it takes you asking questions and probing there and for them to get there but like, it’s been a good bs question to cut through a lot of that noise. Because when you when they do share it, they’re like, I wasn’t expecting to share that, but I feel better last night like that feeling helps them so much.

22:09  

Beautiful. So let’s three things Ben can’t live about.

22:13  

I can’t live without my kids. I can’t live without my wife. And I would say something that oddly to pair with those. I absolutely love coffee. I’ve been a cup of coffee snob over the last three or four years Joe and I absolutely love sunrises and sunsets. There’s something about a sunrise that symbolizes a brand new day and a third onset that symbolizes the beauty of what was and I’m like Superman like when that sun hits your body it I just feel more alive and capable to deal with what life is going to give me that Love it.

22:43  

Love it. So what’s your definition of a life well lived that.

22:46  

To me a life well lived is I create adults and kids that understand how they fit into the world and understand how they can help change it. It’s beautiful. What I do want to clarify matters but what I leave behind on this earth matters to you and your legacy man that you’re living your legacy same. That’s why I love squat about Ben as he lives his legacy statement like every day, and it’s fantastic is full. It’s chock full of knowledge, I guess. So Ben, as we wind things down a little bit, we have a leveling up lightning round. You and I could talk for 1520 minutes about each one of these questions, but they can be answered with less than five no explanation. Just Just wrap up your head. You ready? Yep. What’s the best leveling up advice you’ve ever received? Best leveling up advice I’ve received is stop fucking trying and start doing love it. Sure one of your personal habits contributes to your success. personal habits that contribute to my success is understanding how I wake up is how I continue throughout the day. Love it, not what you’re reading now. Not the flavor of the month. But what’s that one book if you’re like, Man, I’m like, Ben and I’m in the doldrums. You know, you’re kind of hammy that book. You know, here’s your Fergie read this. For me. One thing that really helped create the life and allowed me when I lost my job to keep it was the total money makeover by Dave Ramsey because we killed our debt two years ago, and that I was preparing for a world I wasn’t even ready for and that book changed at all for me love it. I’ll throw that in the show notes to people as a great reminder for me to what is your most commonly used emoji? When your most commonly used emoji? I haven’t been asked this question I would say the fist bump because I often do the double fist bump. So I go the left and the right is a symbol like I’m in it with you. And my policy is I always show up as a friend. I wish I had my life five years ago and so that’s how I laid my mindset.

24:32  

Love it. So

24:36  

not wisdom wise, but age wise, what age would you be if you could be for the rest of your life?

24:46  

27

24:47  

There you go. I always say 28 man, I’m I’m I’m almost 49 so I always say you know like, What? What is there any favorite charity organization you like to keep your time and or money to The charity that came into my life about last year about this last fall was angels of America’s fallen and they essentially are a nonprofit that supports the kids that have lost their parents to suicide or to war. And so they sponsor them with a sports academic from the moment they get accepted to the age of 18. And they make sure that if they lost their dad that they always have some positive role model in their life either through sports or a coach, and they make sure that those guys don’t get left behind. What’s the last question? It’s kind of a tougher one, but what’s the best decade of music 6070s 80s or 90s? Well, I’m a country guy so I feel like country just keeps evolving and the originally isn’t a good decade for me. I’m a fan of all country, but I would definitely say the 90s began with i don’t know i got a boombox I got used to like Sawyer Brown was one of my first bikes fail even those songs is kind of like, let’s go baby Lakota as those are my 90 countries I Tran Shania Twain like those good times back we even had the Garth and Alan Jackson’s and you know, oh, good music man, you know. So how can we find you Ben? military veteran dad is the website All the links are there for where you can find the podcast it’s under the same name military veteran dad calm as well. And I’m on Instagram Ben underscore coy drop me a DM I’m always open to have conversation about as open of a book. And I love reaching out and talking to other people out there that are going through something or feeling something that they need to let go of a big fan of frozen and what most people don’t realize is that frozen, everybody has a little Elsa inside them. And if you understand how l said transformed through that process of both of those movies, movies, that is the journey that every human being tell us a little bit about free dead course calm. So free dad course calm was one of my very first products that I offered. And it’s a free a five audio lesson program about how to create more friends in your life because like I said, friendships more than anything changed my life. And if you can have five friends in your life that you can do life with and share, they will reflect back the best parts of you. And if you can create those in your life that will help transform how you continue to lead forward as a dad and the human being. I love it in squad we have just been basically privy to our own personal free masterclass with a good friend Bill Ben kaloi here from military veteran dad calm, you know, he tells you don’t be afraid to be the first one to say hi, when you’re meeting somebody, you don’t make that introduction yourself. Because more times than not people are more scared. Once you break that ice, the conversation note nowhere can flow it can understand that you can actually have a new front, he tells you to understand that your voice is powerful. So be heard. You know, he reminds us that our ego is a survival mechanism. And he wants us to bring what’s in the shadow out into the light. And when you are feeling down, don’t be afraid to like Ben says, turn on the bad signal. All right, there’s people like us at time to shine today, they can put you with Ben especially if you’re one of my military brother and we can put you with Ben to help you with that transition. Or even just to really level up your life. You don’t have to, you know be having trouble a transition. banwell actually is a life coach, he can help you level up whether you’re having problems when just the transition or not. You know what it means is that the more you get to know more people, more opportunities are going to show up. So don’t be shy. Get out there. And like I said before, say hi. You know, in he said something that really hammered home with me. He says he wants to be the friend to everybody that he wish he had five years ago. That’s fucking baller. That is awesome. And he levels up his health. He levels up his wealth in he’s always humble, hungry. And Ben, thank you so much for coming on the time to shine today podcast. You’re amazing. You’re part of the squad now you can’t go anywhere, brother. I appreciate that. And one last question for you. The world is waiting for you to go first and when you go for a shoot get some permission to go second. Love it.

28:59  

Fire up, man. I appreciate you coming on Ben. Thank you. Hey, thanks so much for listening to this episode of time to shine today podcast, probably brought to you by southern New Jersey real estate real estate excellence who can be reached at 561-249-7266 and online at www dot Sutter in nugent.com. If you’re a business owner or professional who would like to be interviewed on top to shine today, please visit time to shine today.com slash gust. If you liked this episode, please subscribe on Apple podcasts, Google podcasts, Stitcher, Spotify, I Heart Radio or wherever you get your podcasts. There’s a link in the show notes to our website. Also there you will see our recommended resources. We hope that you will support our show by supporting them. If you like what you’ve been listening to, it’d be great if you could just give us a five star rating and tell your friends have subscribed while you’re at it. I’m your host Scott Ferguson. And until next time, let’s level up. It’s our time to shine.

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